Avoid the Top Reason for Marriage Failure

By Rob Furlong
Challenge Newspaper July 2009

It was rather sad to read recently about the collapse of the celebrity marriage of Aussie singer, Peter Andre. Andre and his wife Katie Price were married after falling in love on a reality TV show called “I’m a celebrity…get me out of here!”

Over the course of their three and a half years marriage they have gained notoriety for their heated arguments that have been screened on yet another reality show. The couple has gone from a literal Cinderella style wedding to a separation that has become very nasty and hurtful and played out in full view of the public.

It seems to me that there is always a common thread running through the collapse of celebrity marriages: selfishness! Celebrities are involved in an industry that caters to their every whim and desire, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. The entertainment industry feeds that most basic of human weaknesses, self-centredness as well as fostering and promoting it. So when you have two people involved in an industry like that you can expect a lot of selfishness to come out in their marriage relationship. No wonder celebrity marriages implode so often!

But here is an interesting thought — we are no different in our relationships! It has been my experience that the number one reason behind the collapse of a marriage is plain, old fashioned selfishness.

Why won’t a husband pick up the tea towel for his wife and dry the dishes for her? Selfishness!

Why does a wife disregard her husband’s wishes and still
buys her “must have” new dress or shoes? Selfishness!

Why do two people refuse to listen to each other but still
expect the other person to listen to them? Selfishness!

Why does a husband or wife seek to find comfort in the arms of another lover? Selfishness!

Whether you are a celebrity or not you are still infected by the terrible disease of selfishness. And when selfishness goes unchecked in a marriage it usually spells out death for the relationship. Our tendency toward selfishness is clearly in mind in the following quote from a marriage counsellor:

“Marriage is not so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person.”

As simple as that statement is, it has enormous consequences for you if you decide to put it into practice because it forces you to stop focusing on yourself and to begin focusing on the other person, which is the essence of true love.

I find this kind of wisdom about relationships in the Bible, especially the Proverbs. Here are just two for you to think about:
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.”

Excellent here refers to a virtuous woman — a woman of tremendous class and quality. A woman who is proud of her husband; one who shows him respect and is unashamed to do so. Such a woman has the highest place in man’s life — she crowns it! But a woman who openly despises her husband and is constantly critical of him and his decisions is like an infectious disease. Simply put, a woman can make or break her man. If she is going to “make” him, then she will need to be unselfish.

And husbands are also told “to rejoice in the wife of your youth”. In other words, instead of moaning and complaining about what she does and does not do, remember why you married her in the first place and keep on encouraging those good things in her today. How easy it is for us men to forget all the good things about our wives and only focus on the negatives that we see.

If we want to change our relationship for the better then we must stop focusing on ourselves and begin asking ourselves how we can better serve our partner — this is called unselfishness and it has the power to transform both you and the other person.

Isn’t it time you picked up a tea towel?

Building Better Marriages

By Rob Furlong
Challenge Newspaper Sept 2005

Quite a few years ago I had a couple approach me requesting that I conduct their wedding service. Nothing unusual about that. At the time of their coming to see me, they were living together and sexually active in the relationship. Nothing unusual about that (these days) either. What was unusual was that both parties said that they were Christians. (Before I go further, I want to acknowledge that many of you who read this column would not use the term “Christian” to describe yourselves – there is nothing wrong with that, but I believe that what I have to say will still be relevant and pertinent to you.)

You see, I believe passionately in marriage and in God’s design for it. But as each new year rolls by, the marriage relationship is put under greater and greater pressure and fresh threats arise that seek to destroy the family unit. The incredible fact is however, that many of these threats come from people who openly profess that they follow God and His teachings.
As an example, lets take living together and the topic of pre-marital sex. Almost 15 years ago the well known author and speaker, Josh McDowell, made some startling and alarming observations about the sexual habits of Church going teenagers.

He wrote that:

• They were 86% more likely to say that it “was important to be a virgin when you get married.”
• However: in reality, they were only 14% more likely to actually be a virgin when they married!

I know from my own counselling experience that statistics like those I have quoted above are fairly accurate. And in large part, I am laying the responsibility for this at the feet of people of my generation – people in their late 30’s to early 40’s – who have not modelled sexual abstinence at all well to their own children.

While I was thinking all of this over, I came across the following quote by a youth worker, Tim Stafford. In my mind, it addresses the problem brilliantly and it begins with a letter written to him by a young girl:

“I am a fifteen-year-old girl who has a problem not many of my friends understand. My mum and her boyfriend started dating about three years ago. We soon started spending the night at his house. This didn’t bother me because my mum and I slept in the front bedroom. But then they started sleeping together. This also didn’t bother me much, until one night I went back there to ask my mother something and her boyfriend came out of the bathroom with his
underwear on (and just his underwear). Then I soon caught them having sex.”

Not so long ago, mothers wrote letters like that about their daughters.

But now, millions of kids whose parents are divorced have the tables turned. They see their parents getting involved in immorality. They see their parents shattered and hardened by the break-ups and disappointments that inevitably
follow. Naturally, these parents are not giving their children much encouragement to wait for marriage. (Worth the Wait – Tim Stafford)

I know a good many of you will take exception to what I am saying here, but I think it is time for some parents to begin to practice what they preach. If you want your kids to remain sexually pure, then start living it yourself. Stop making excuses for your behaviour and trust me, I’ve heard them all:

“We’re not hurting anyone.”
“In God’s eyes, we are married.”
“We love each other.”
“It’s none of your business anyway.”

Did you know that couples who were sexually active before marriage or lived together, statistically have a much higher chance of divorce after they marry than couples who were sexually abstinent? That fact alone ought to be enough to jolt you back into reality.

I am passionate about this because I view it as one of the greatest threats to building better marriages that we face right now. Many of us are sending frighteningly mixed messages to our young people who are looking for direction in matters of life, love and sexuality. If we don’t get our act together, I shudder to think what kind of a legacy we will leave (or are leaving) the next generation.

Where to from here?
• If you have made mistakes, acknowledge them and ask for forgiveness from your children.
• Break off whatever it is you are involved in, now!
• Commit yourself unreservedly to living and modelling a life of sexual purity to others, especially your kids.

I hope you stay with me on this topic because over the next several months I will be examining other serious threats to building better marriages.