Give it a Rest

This post has been brewing for a long time.


Disclaimer: There is no-one individual in particular that this is aimed at. If there are any similarities to stories, it is purely coincidental. However, if you identify yourself in one of the comments/stories...maybe it's something to think about? Again, not aimed at any one in particular...just some of my thoughts from the last 2.5yrs


Now that's out of the way...


I have come to realise in the last 2.5 years, just how judgemental and competitive mothers are. This may be old news to you, but to me I am staggered by the notion and tired of it - I'm also grouping myself into this category.


I had a natural birth so I'm better than those who had cesareans...I had an epidural and drugs, I didn't so I'm stronger...I had my baby in a bath or at home so my experience is better than yours.

I've breastfed for 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, 2.5 friggin years! Who gives a rats?

I don't breast feed, I bottle feed. I express, I don't...I don't shave my under arms!! (sometimes I do one side and forget the other!)


I use store bought food (isn't all of it in some form anyway?) I create my own blends, I only use veggies from my garden, I only use organic or preservative/additive free food.


I smack. I time-out. I like to be a bit more free-spirited. I do baby-wise I do montessori.

I have a routine, I'm flexible.


I love controlled crying/self settling. I prefer to cuddle for every cry.


I love my husband more than my children, I love my children more than my husband.


I don't give my children chocolates/easter eggs/lollies/juice...I do.


My 6 month old is walking - my 18 month old isn't...


I've got boys, I've got girls, which one is harder to raise? Aren't they all?? Their kids for goodness sakes! It's tough work no matter the sex.


And so it goes on and on.


I first came across this in a mother's group I joined when Eme was 3 months old. All the other bubs were only 8 weeks old and yet there was still an underlying competition between the parents. No-one wants to seem like they are doing the wrong thing, yet we all have differing ideas that we get insecure and worry about whether we've got it right or down pat. Sometimes though, this can start down the path of watching what others are doing and judging what they do and what their decisions may be.


"I wish she would just control that child" - while standing in the checkout line.
"I wish she would just smack them and be done with it!"
"How dare he feed his child that!"


I get it - I've thought the same thoughts. Had the same feelings.


But...I'm over it.


Who gave us the right (as parents) to become such oppressive and judgemental people? The baby is born and all of a sudden we're experts - though we claim not to be! We ask for the manual that should have come with the baby, yet we somehow develop a manual/Bible within the 1st year and judge how everyone else is doing by it.


All I'm asking is - can we just give each other a break? I don't like let alone enjoy living in such an oppressive society.


How about when gathering in our little mummy groups/girls nights/coffee catchups - How about instead of jumping down the mother's throat with advice and tips and "tsk tsk's", why don't we just try and listen.


"I'm sorry Harry keeps drawing on the wall while your cooking dinner. That sucks. I understand. I hear you. I still love you. You're not a bad mum, we all have tough days."


Whether you have 1, 2, 3+ kids - it's still tough work.


I can already sense the amount of flack I'm going to cop for posting this, but I can't not say anything anymore. I'm tired of it and I'm also guilty of it. If you are reading this and you have ever felt judged by me...I'm sorry. I'll try do better next time we meet.


And while I'm at it I have a confession to make. Yesterday, I gave Eme a McDonalds Happy Meal for lunch...and my 11 month old, Ava, yeah, I gave her an Easter egg I found under a couch. Shoot me now!

Like Sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek #9

Well, where I left off after the last post in this series I shall continue today! I told you I wouldn’t be bothered to do it for another 6mths!

I will never forget the moment when we drove out of the car park from the reception to head off onto our journey of marriage!!

We hugged and waved people good-bye, got into our EA Wagon turned down one street from the church and pulled over. Russell reached over and…..grabbed the road map. He had no idea how to get to the hotel we were staying at!

So, after our little detour off we headed, the whole trip we just kept saying “I can’t believe we’re married. I can’t believe we’re married!” I’m sure most newlyweds go through the same thing.

We spent the weekend at a relaxed hotel and we slept pretty much all day. On the Sunday Arvo I was watching a movie and the cleaner came into the room to tidy things up. She asked if we were enjoying our break and what we were up to. We told her we had gotten married the day before and were going to be heading over east the next day. She screamed “I can’t believe you’re sitting around clothed watching a movie! I’ll be quick and get out!”. We thought it was quite funny.

We headed over to the Gold Coast for 10 days hoping to catch some beautiful sunshine. However, it rained, no re-phrase that, it flooded. The most rain QLD had had in 10 yrs. But, we made the most of it and spent our time walking around under an umbrella cuddling.

The honeymoon was great and settling in at home was fun. We set-up ‘house’ and enjoyed each others company. We started back up at work, and then reality set in.

For some reason we just started to argue. It was the most heated ‘discussions’ we had ever had with each other and were usually over the smallest things. I remember crying one night thinking “Aren’t we supposed to be happily married?”

Things got so bad one day I almost killed Russell…in the EA Wagon.

We were fighting over something (I have no idea what) and I grabbed the keys to the car. I jumped in the car and reversed out of the driveway. Russell was close on my tail yelling “You’re not going anywhere!” and indignantly sat on the bonnet of the car.

I chuckled to myself “As if that’s going to stop me!!” I quickly accelerated forward, Russell hit the wind screen, and then I quickly reversed and he rolled off the top of the bonnet. I hooned down the street while he proceeded to dust himself off and give me the ‘finger sign’ – with BOTH fingers! He then noticed the neighbours staring at him on their front lawn and quickly ran back inside.

I eventually came back and apologised for trying to kill him, and he forgave.

The first 6-12mths though were hell. I never had anyone tell me about any sort of ‘adjustment period’. I had close friends around me though and was able to chat with them and to find comfort in the fact that we weren’t alone. I just wish we had had those chats earlier in the piece! Now whenever I catch up with someone about to get married, I tell them the truth, I don’t hold back on sharing our experiences and let them know that it’s ok to fight. It’s normal.

We’ve been married for 3yrs now and I reckon we are in the honeymoon period now! Though, I’m sure that will all change once the baby gets here!

At my sisters wedding earlier this year I was chatting to Russ at about 1am after the wedding and was saying that as happy and excited I was at our wedding, nothing compares to the love that I have for him now! I thought I was at the epitome of love at our wedding, but every year it has just gotten better and better! I don’t want to go back to when we were first married, I like where we are now, and where we are headed! If it’s this good after 3yrs, I can’t begin to imagine how good it will be after 30!

I have grown into myself more since marrying Russell, poor bloke, had no idea what he was getting into (crazy car driving lady!). I am more comfortable in who I am and I am accepted and loved by Russell and there is nothing that can fully describe how that makes me feel. He takes me with all my flaws and failures and still chooses to love me everyday (sounds a little like someone else we all know?).

I love the fact that we can sit in front of the heater for hours and just talk. I love that on Friday nights when we are the most tired, we still snuggle in bed and usually spend the next couple of hours just talking. I have never opened up to anyone this much in my whole life, and there is still a lot of stuff that I hold back, but slowly we are uncovering more and more about each other and being more and more honest with each other. We rarely fight, and if we do, it’s more of a ‘discussion’ (sounds corny, but true) and we just chat about “I am currently feeling that…” etc…and usually sort it out straight away rather than let it linger.

There have been ups and downs in our marriage. Money struggles, church struggles (a huge part of a tension that was between us for a couple of years) and when we lost our first baby.

We decided at the end of 2006 that we would start trying for a family in Oct of 2007. Don’t know why Oct, but it was just a month that we decided to settle on. As a chick, there is no way to explain the maternal instincts that seem to kick in at a certain stage in life. I knew we had only been married a short while, but the mothering instinct in me was so burdensome that it was hard to explain to Russell. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but I also wanted to be a mother. Maybe I’m the only chick like this, I don’t know! I’ve always wanted a big family. When I was about 10-13yrs I was set on having 4 boys. I’ve always laughed that God will probably give me 4 girls…that’s just what he’s like!!

Anyway, we went to Thailand in Sept 07 (click here for photos and diary notes) and when we got back home, Russell said to me one night “I’m ready. I’m really ready to start trying for a family.” Up until then he hadn’t really been too keen on the idea. I didn’t push it but just tried to wait patiently. I wanted him to want it as much as me. I didn’t want to bring another person into our relationship knowing that Russell wasn’t in agreement with me 100%. It wasn’t until that night (I still remember it) that I knew he was ready and that he wanted it as much as me. So, we started trying. A couple of weeks later I was pregnant. But I never knew it. I mean I knew it in my head, but I never took a pregnancy test and never went to the doctor about it. I was too scared that the pregnancy test would come back negative, so I never did one!

During Oct we moved into our first home. We had moved 6 times since being married, and were finally in our own home. We had never planned to own our own home, and it all came as a bit of a surprise, but it happened and we are still settled there now.

We spent our 1st Christmas in our own home and I had been praying for the past couple of months that I would be pregnant by Christmas. I had said to God that I would take a pregnancy test on Christmas morning as a special present (I’m weird I know). But, come Christmas morning, I never took the test. I couldn’t trust that God would bless me with something so huge. This Christmas was also the first Christmas that Russell and I skipped church. Russell had just resigned from his job as Youth Pastor at our current church and we were embarking on a new journey into finding a new church. We decided that this being the first year we didn’t have any commitments to any church, we would spend the morning together and just relax. Which we did, and it was the best Christmas ever. We lazed around, gave each other pressies and then spent lunch and the afternoon with family. It was a great time of relaxation and I was able to take the week off work.

I’ll never forget the feeling that I should have taken the pregnancy test that morning. It would’ve been the best present either of us could have received, but you can’t go back in time, and you just need to accept the choices that you’ve made in the past.

Then, on the 31st of December my best friend had her first child, Jaxon. We went and saw her in hospital and I was so excited for her. The week after that we had a friends wedding, and we started looking around at local churches.

I mention the above events because there are photos from the 2 that stick in my mind. One photo with Russ and I holding and meeting Jaxon and one of both of us at this particular wedding. Whenever I look back at the photo of us and Jaxon it reminds me that I was pregnant there and was so looking forward to when our baby would arrive. The second photo was me in a tight black dress standing next to Russell. That morning I had been complaining that I looked so bloated and had nothing nice to wear that didn’t make me look pregnant. I was still in denial about the pregnancy and ended up wearing the tight black dress. I felt uncomfortable all day and couldn’t wait to strip out of the thing once we got home. I look at both photos and remember “I was pregnant there”. It’s a weird feeling, but I’m also glad that we at least some sort of record of the pregnancy.

Jan 10th (2008) I woke up during the night with the worst pains I have ever had, and I knew something was wrong. I had been bleeding a couple of days earlier and had been praying against anything going badly. That night I lost our baby and it changed me and our entire life. If you want to read anything about the whole experience you can click here and here.

Losing our baby was the worst and best thing that had ever happened to us. It definitely strengthened our marriage and brought us closer together as a couple. I will never forget the day that I cried for about 8hrs straight. Russell wasn’t working at the time and I was taking a break from work. We had woken up late and I went to the loo. I walked back into our bedroom and just burst into tears. Russell held me for the next few hours as I just cried and cried, occasionally mumbling to myself. He never said anything and he just encompassed me in his arms. I will never forget it. It was as though through the physical act of being bound together we were bound together in spirit also.

Since then we have been closer than ever before. This year has been the best year as we have both overcome some of the things that life throws your way and we have survived! I believe that our relationship is going forward in leaps and bounds and I hope and pray that we can continue down this path.

4 weeks after the miscarriage I fell pregnant again. I call Russell ‘super sonic sperm’ these days as it was an absolute miracle (again). I couldn’t believe that it happened so quickly and we have spent the last 30 weeks thanking God and praying over the safety of this little one every night. We are both excited beyond belief and cannot believe that another little person will be joining our relationship this year. We will become a family!

The pregnancy has definitely brought its challenges but it has also brought the most joy I have felt in years. I love seeing Russell’s excitement and involvement and I am so incredibly blessed to have him as both my husband and father of my children. I love listening to him talk about the baby and his hopes and dreams, I love watching his face grow with excitement when he sits there feeling the baby move. I love hearing him whisper secrets to the baby that I can’t hear – his own daddy and baby secrets and I love hearing him say out loud how much he loves the little one already. I am a truly blessed woman.

The other week we were watching a music dvd of ‘UnderOath’ and the baby was kicking around the most I had ever felt! Russell sat for the next hour with the biggest smile on his face as he felt the baby kick around. He was so proud that baby was hearing and seemingly enjoying the same music as him and we both sat there and just enjoyed.

I have no doubt that he will love this child like no other. He will be with me every step of the way and will always support me as we both learn to raise our children.

I could go on for another few hours about all the different little things I have learnt about Russell through our marriage, but I’m sure you’re all bored enough!

I will leave you here. I’ve brought you through a tiny little snapshot of our marriage and where we are up to now.

My next instalment will include what happened with the whole “other church” thing. It played a huge part earlier on in our marriage and it still plays a big role in our lives now. I’ve sort of done all this out of order, but hopefully you can still follow relatively easy!

You can read any of the updates I have made along the way on the pregnancy here.

One of the photo's I was talking about, and that dress!

This was taken just 5 days before we lost the baby

Like Sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek #8

Wow! You get two of these chapters in one day! Now I won't have to write another one for the next 6 months!! Try not to fall asleep on your keyboard while you read...its a longy...and you won't look to good with the letter 'L' imprinted on your forehead!

Our Story

Friend: Russ this is Bek, Bek this is Russ

Bek: Hi *smiles*

Russ: Hi *looks away*

Bek: I think I’ve seen you around before, but never met you. How old are you?

Russ: 17 *looks away*

Bek: WOW!! I thought you were heaps younger!

Russ: *silence*

Bek: You’re boring *walks away*

And so began the grand adventure of Bek and Russ.

That was the first time I had met Russell. I had seen him hanging around some friends who were 1yr younger than me, so that’s why I thought he was younger than me. I had never met him, and we were both at ‘Undercurrent’ a night the Thornlie Youth had put on at the end of the school year 2001 at Thornlie Swimming Pools. I was chatting to some people and Russell was standing there with his backpack and beanie on (looking cute might I add) and someone introduced us. He was so shy that I gave up trying to talk to him. Yes, you may think I was rude, but I am a stirrer, I will stir people who I have only just met for a laugh! I don’t know…it’s just a bad habit.

I didn’t see Russell for a few months after that. It was at Easter Camp ’02 that I saw him next. I was singing at the camp and Russell was drumming. During practice I would stand on his ‘drum carpet’ and spin his cymbals around. I thought it was fun, he wouldn’t say anything, but now he tells me that it was so frustrating! He kept watching me thinking ‘get your hands off my cymbals’. This was when I discovered just how good a drummer he was. I would watch him drum and just see him worshipping God. It truly was and still is an amazing experience. He is going to drum for our babies while they are still in my belly I tell you! At this camp I met a young man from a ‘northern’ church and went on a couple of dates with him. Russell had also met a chick from the same church, so we started going to their Sunday night services together. Russell would drive a group of us up and we would hang around at supper and what not.

Suffice to say, it didn’t work out for either of us.

This was all happening while we went to State Youth Games (2002) also. I’ll never forget the Fri night before the games started. I was with some friends on a basketball court (outside) and Russell was there with some friends skateboarding. Like any typical chick, I wanted a turn, but just made a fool out of myself. I then saw him (them) the next morning at the banner parade. I helped them get their banner sorted out. It was the year they went with Jarrod McKenna and they had the “Cheesy Christian T-Shirts” theme. They had Steve and Scott in their boardies and had the banner wrapped around them so it looked like they weren’t wearing anything. Russell and I helped them wrap it around them. I think the slogan was “I was naked and you clothed me with ….a cheesy Christian T-shirt”…something along those lines.

During SYG, we didn’t see each other much, and we were too interested in these people from the other church anyway.

It wasn’t until those ‘relationships’ (not that you can really call them that) didn’t work out that we started to hang out a little more. It was later in the year and heading into summer. This was when ‘the group’ started up and we fast became good friends.

Russ and I would do most things together, however I never saw it more than a friendship. The whole group were purely ‘just friends’. I never had feelings for him – and I don’t know if he had feelings for me, I don’t think he did anyway. We spent the summer watching DVD’s and having BBQ’s. We went to Fire It Up as a group (where I met Gaz) and we all had a pic taken of us as a group – Russ and I still have this picture…we love it!

It was at that camp where I realised that Russell may have overstepped the ‘friend line’. He just came to visit the camp on the dinner night because he hadn’t been there all week. We were all having dinner and he was refusing to come outside and have dinner with everyone else. I came inside to tell him to stop being a pansy, and to get outside with everyone else. He still didn’t want to (didn’t want to steal someone’s seat or something) and I stalked past him, disgusted he wasn’t listening to me, and he grabbed my arm. I turned around and saw the look in his eye that was so…apologetic. I will never, ever forget that moment. It was when I realised he wasn’t looking at me as a friend anymore. I quickly went back outside and a few people went inside to eat with him.

+Before we went to Fire It Up, Russell had told us that he was heading off to QLD for a year to drum in an YFC band. They would go up and down the coast and as far as SA ministering in schools with music. We had gone shopping to buy him so clothes to take and while we were all sad we were going to be losing our mate for a year, we knew he was going to be coming back.+

A week later (after Fire It Up) we were at a party and Russell asked if he could speak to me. I knew exactly what was coming. We headed outside and sat on the gutter of our friends place.

It went something like this…my memory is a little fuzzy of the whole conversation

Russ: So, I care about you

Bek: mmmhmmm

Russ: Like, care about you more than a friend

Bek: mmhmmm (in head thinking, OH MY GOODNESS – THIS IS WEIRD)

Russ: *waiting waiting*

Russ: Is there anything you want to say?

Bek: mm mm *shook head*

Then we headed back inside.

It was the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had with anyone!

From then on I refused to speak to him. I had had this before. I find out someone likes me and I go into super hermit mode. I completely withdraw from the person and just don’t want anything to do with them. I would get so uncomfortable and frustrated that in the end, the relationship (friendship) wouldn’t make it. You could call it destructo mode.

I didn’t want to talk to him, it made things weird, plus, he was going away for a year, why the heck would he tell me something like that 2 weeks before he left?

The first week I wouldn’t talk to him. We still had our ‘group’ nights and I remember one night I was doing the dishes and Russell grabbed a tea-towel to help.

Bek: Get out of here, I’m a woman, I’m in my place, the kitchen, that’s where all you men want me. Just let me be!!

Russ: *slowly puts down tea-towel in plain sight and backs out of the room*

I really was horrible to him. The whole week was uncomfortable. Then, something happened. In the second week I just snapped out of it. I don’t know what happened. Russ offered to take me to see Dave Andrews speak because I had just read ‘Christianarchy’ and he was speaking in Perth somewhere. I went with him and shocked Russell’s jocks (or is it socks?) off by accepting the offer!

That week we chatted quite a bit and all weirdness melted away.

I will never forget the night we drove him to the airport. Russell’s parents drove his car, and Russ and I sat in the back. I was crying and was refusing to look at him because I didn’t want him to see that I was crying – play it calm. He reached out and grabbed my hand and held it until we got to the airport. It was really awkward and weird (again) but it was a nice gesture.
We said our farewells and promised to call and write…not just me, the whole group.

In the year that came we spent every single night on the phone. We would talk from 6pm to 2.30am. I can’t remember half the conversations we had. On our first phone call we promised to each other that we wouldn’t date each other, but we wouldn’t date anyone else. We reserved our selves for each other pretty much. I still include this year when people ask how long we dated for. It was a tough year. All we had in our relationship was communication. All we could do was talk. However, now I am eternally grateful that we had that year separate. We built our relationship on communication and I believe that we are beyond our years in that department. Though, we stuff up quite regularly, I believe we have learnt some lessons that some of our married friends are yet to learn.

For my birthday in April, mum and dad’s gift to me was a trip to Cairns – my old hometown. They organised with Russell to find out when he would be up there and off I went to visit him! It was great. I got to meet the members of his band and I got to catch-up with old family and friends and my old church. It’s also when we started to officially date. Russ took me for a walk down to a park one night, we were chatting about our relationship and where we were heading. We decided that we were both ready for it and that we would date with the intention of marriage – neither of us wanted to date just for the sake of it. We were in it for the long haul.

Bek: You have to ask me properly though…

Russ: *sighs* Will you go out with me?

Bek: *singing to the Relient K tune* Do you …know what you…are getting yourself into?

We both just laughed and that was it…it was official! YAY!

Russell got to come home for one week in the middle of the year – a holiday you could say. That week we were too shy to do anything, and it wasn’t until the night or two before he left that we started to hold hands. I remember also, the night before he left, we were sitting on the lounge at my house, everyone had gone to bed and we were sitting there talking. I had my head on his chest and was listening to his heart beat. He was wearing a big old red jumper and had a beanie on. We were quiet for awhile when he whispered, “You know what? I think I’m in love with you”. I can’t remember if I responded or not, I’m pretty sure I returned his declaration, but I will never forget that moment (his part anyway).

He then had to head off again and I was crying once again, but this time I let him see it.

We then hit a bit of a rough patch. For some reason we started to argue a little bit. I think the stress of trying to maintain a long distance relationship played a part. It was hard for me to go to supper after church and see all the couples together. I would get so bitter. Couples were popping up everywhere, I couldn’t avoid it! I would sit there on my own watching them all cuddle away. All I wanted was Russell to come home so I could cuddle him and prove to people that we had a real relationship. It was as though people didn’t realise we were a fair dinkum couple, just because he wasn’t around.

About a month before he was due home, I broke it off with him. We had a huge fight and I said that I wanted to end it. It was a rash decision and once again I said something without thinking first. We ended up, but the phone calls didn’t really stop. We would call each other to see how we were going and that was about it. It was really hard, but don’t people say that every great relationship goes through a break-up at some stage? I don’t know if that’s true, but it was what we both needed. I remember my mum saying to me after the ‘break-up’ phone call that “love isn’t always easy, it’s hard work”.

Russell came back and it was weird all over again. We didn’t know what to say to each other and I felt that he was avoiding me all together. It went on for a couple of weeks like this. We didn’t see each other much, and he was busy catching up with a lot of people.

I eventually had enough of it and called him so that we could catch up and decide what was going on. I was sick of the “are we or aren’t we” questions going around. We met up in a park and we just caught up with each other. Things still weren’t going that well and there were a lot of uncomfortable silences.

One Friday night I offered to drop Russell off at home after youth at his church. We got as far as his driveway and just started talking. We sat in the car from 9pm till 4.30am the next day. We talked about the year as a whole, some of the stuff he had to go through while away which he had been forbidden to speak to anyone about, we talked about stuff that happened at home, and we talked about us. By the time I got home I was exhausted but it felt as though all barriers we had up had been broken down. He messaged me at about 6.30am that morning and we haven’t looked back since. We started dating again and it was fantastic to finally have him around! After 6 or so months I would still look at him and say “I can’t believe your actually here, home!” I was amazed! After a year of waiting and longing, he was finally home!

We would go out for dinner – me pushing him to try Asian, Mexican, etc telling him to “live a little” and he also started studying at ACOM.

Then in August of 2004 we went over to the Gold Coast for a friends wedding. While we were there I stayed for one night at a hotel with my granny. Russell came over; as he had told me he needed to have a chat with me. All 3 of us were sitting in the hotel spa and it was uncomfortable again (our relationship is full of uncomfortable situations it seems!) so granny said she would go make some lunch. Off she went leaving us to spa away. I asked Russell what he needed to chat about (I knew full well what it was about) and he said he needed to get something out of his bag. So off he went to the hotel room, got his bag, explained to granny he had a book or something to get out of it, came back down to the spa, and with balled fists (for fear of dropping the ring in the water) came over and proposed.

Russ: Will you marry me?

Bek: Will you make me iced teas in the middle of the night when I’m pregnant?

Russ: Yes (trying not to laugh)

Bek: Ok then, Yes!!

We called family and friends straight away and as I sat on the plane home later that weekend, Russell asleep drooling on my shoulder, me staring at my ring, I couldn’t believe just how blessed I was to have Russell…drool and all.

We then came back and hopped into wedding preparations. Russell’s best mate had gotten engaged a couple of months before hand and didn’t want us to get married before him, but we couldn’t wait as long as they wanted so we got married in 10mths, rather than 20mths that was being suggested. The friend wasn’t too happy, but soon got over it. My advice to anyone out there getting married…do not wait for other peoples perfect timing, rely on Gods timing and everything will work out.

Then the rest is history.

The other week I was laughing with Russell over how when we were dating we thought we knew everything there was to know about each other. I would say that we had only scratched the surface. I’m sure I’ll be 90yrs and Russell will tell me something new. Our journey really wasn’t a very long one, but God has been with us every step of the way. It’s not really the most romantic story, but it is our story. I wouldn’t change any part of it for the world!

Like Sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek #7

In the last chapter of this series, I spoke about one of the toughest times I went through in my life. I’m sure there are tough times ahead, but I’m still reasonably young, and a lot more can and will happen throughout life.

What I want to talk about in this chapter is the way God led me out of the desert of loneliness. When I was about 19/20, God surrounded me with a group of friends that played pivotal roles in my life. Russell and I often refer back to this time as the summer of ’69, though for us it was the summer of ’02/’03. God brought together a group of people who soon became close friends. I knew of Russell and had met him a couple of times, but only just started to hang out with him in ’02. I was trying to set him up with a good friend (Sally) but no matter how hard I tried, these two wouldn’t budge (lucky for me I guess!).

This group were like family to me. We would spend every night of the week at someone’s place, having a BBQ or watching a DVD. I became good friends with one of the guys and considered him one of my best friends. We would go surfing on a Sat. arvo, usually I would watch, but I gave it a shot once or twice. I knew we were good friends when he decided it was safe enough to pee in the surf while I was there. Disgusting, I know. This bloke and I and Russell soon became a bit of a threesome. If no-one else in ‘the group’ could catch-up, we 3 would do something anyway.

‘The group’ couldn’t last forever, and really did only last for roughly a year. Russell headed over east to do his band thing and most people in the group ended up dating each other. Most of us are still friends now, though sometimes it is really hard to catch-up.

I remember this group fondly, it was an amazing summer and it was a time of healing particularly for myself. God knew how lonely I was. He knew that I craved companionship with at least one person! God provided. He was faithful. He brought me into a group of people who loved and cared for each other. This group accepted each other. Of course we would stir each other up, but that summer was a time of real growth for all of us. We spoke openly and honestly about ‘faith stuff’. We shared life with each other. God filled the hole that had been in my heart for so many years with a group of people who really gave me some self-confidence. For that, I am forever grateful to God. God does provide – it’s true!

This has only been a short chapter, but the next one will be ‘our story’. Yes, the mushy stuff. The how, why, when, where, and now of Russell and me….awwwww….get your buckets ready!!

Like Sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek #6

I think this will quite possibly be the hardest post I have ever had to write. It’s always hard to share the things that hurt the most and that always seem to find a way to come back and haunt you just when you think you’ve dealt with them.

For years I’ve thought I should put my thoughts down on paper but never have, and we are now at that stage where I think I need to.

I’ve been writing a bit about me and my upbringing in an attempt for at least ONE person be able to ‘get’ me. The series is all under the label ‘Days of Bek’. I always feel that I am misjudged, misunderstood, that I have no credibility in certain topics, and that I am just plain odd. I don’t know if any of this series has done anything to better clear things up or if I’m just pushing people further and further away. But, I have to keep going, I need to finish it…not that this is the last post either :)

The first couple of years after I left school were really tough. Some people may say high school was their toughest years, but mine were the years after.

I grew up a bit of a loner. I enjoyed being on my own (still do) and am not fussed if I have people around me constantly. Russell is the one who really organises our social life as I would rather sit at home on my own doing…whatever. I can be very independent and have never had a real close friendship with a girl – like a best friend kind of thing. I never went home after school and spend all night on the phone to friends. I just sat in my room and read or went into my own imaginary world outside. I played ‘barbies’ with my sister when I was in Year 11 because I loved the world of make-believe. That soon stopped after she decided to tell all my friends at school. Ggrrrr…

I still don’t have any friendships where I can completely open up with anyone. I have certain topic friends. Eg. One I chat to about marriage, one for work, one for church, etc. I don’t have that one person (other than Russell) that knows everything about me. Girls need a friend that knows everything and I often get jealous of girls that have been friends for 10+ years and do everything together. I don’t have anyone that I can call at 1am when my world is falling apart and no-one to call me when theirs is. I sort of miss having that, but know I have Russell, but who do I talk to when my issue is with Russell?? I know I know, I should go to him about it, but sometimes you need someone to give you a little clarity.

Growing up in the church with your dad as the pastor is pretty rough. It has its good points, and I would never change my life or family orientation. But it was rough. When I got to the young adult section for youth I started going to a youth group which the youth pastor lead. You know the whole rule of “what’s said in the group, stays in the group”? Yeah, well… apparently that didn’t apply to me (it never had during my younger years, so why did I expect it now? hmmm…maybe I expected a little maturity). I thought I had found a group where I was able to express myself and my thoughts, my struggles, and my joys. However, some of the things that I expressed where then expressed to my dad. I couldn’t say anything and couldn’t trust anyone. I then went from group to group as I had at youth group growing up. It’s not nice to feel like the one that was left out of confidentiality agreements and that I was different simply because of who my dad was/is. I started to realise how much I was being left out on. I was never invited out to supper after church and didn’t have any friends that I could go to parties with.

I was lonely.

There I said it…the biggest thing that I had to deal with when I was in my teen years was loneliness.

You may not think it is that big a deal, but it’s something that still plagues me today. I went to the movies with Russell a few months ago and I couldn’t concentrate on the movie because there was a guy sitting in the cinema on his own. I actually cried because my heart was breaking. I didn’t know his situation…he may like to go to the movies on his own…but I knew what it felt like to go to events on your own and feel like the biggest loser because you don’t have any friends, no one to look out for you.

The day that this all came to a head for me was the year I went to ‘Church Together’ on my own. Everyone at youth was going and had all organised lifts with each other, except me. I wasn’t even asked by my small group. It didn’t bother me driving myself to church together on my own, but once I got there I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. I realised that I didn’t have anyone to sit with, I didn’t have anyone to talk to or anything. This was Church Together for goodness sakes and I was there on my own. After enduring the service I headed back to my car and decided to drop by Macca’s on the way home and get a cheeseburger (my favie). As I was sitting in the drive through I looked inside the store and saw my small group sitting together having dinner together, laughing and being merry. Here I was eating on my own, in my car, on my way home…by myself…left out again. I say again because growing up at church I would watch the girls stand in the foyer making plans to go over each others house for the day and would never get invited. I was always left out. I would be standing within 60cms of one girl inviting everyone except me and she would just ignore me. They have apologised to me now, but it still hurts. I cried all the way home that night. I felt like an idiot, thinking I had friends. There was nothing special about me and there was no-one in the world who wanted to get to know me.

Now, the last thing I want is for people to think this is a big pity party. I don’t think I have over-exaggerated on anything and I think that my feelings are completely valid. Every story I have shared has been true and I haven’t tried to exaggerate things to get my point across. This is really hard to share these things and its really embarrassing sitting at work crying and keep having to run off to the toilets. Just wanted to set things straight.

Here are a few of things that I was doing that made me realise years later that I was actually really lonely. At the time I didn’t think I was, I just thought that people didn’t like me (they probably didn’t but its nice to think people generally like you).
One of the things I would do…..ugh this is really embarrassing…..I would drive around to where I knew people were having supper and I would sit outside in my car, wishing someone had invited me. I would sit for maybe an hour and then head home. I would lie to mum and dad and say that I had been invited to supper after church and would see them when I got home. No, I would see the youth invited and everyone ‘looking out for their friends’ and inviting them, but because I didn’t have any, I wouldn’t be invited. I just heard them all talking about it and would just drive around to see how much fun they were having.
Another thing I would do…and I had done this for years without realising…was walk around the church as though I was looking for someone. This didn’t hit home till I was talking to my Granny last year and she was saying how lonely she gets sometimes (people avoid her because she’s the pastors mother-in-law – AHHH!!) and that she walks around church looking for someone to talk to. I realised that I used to do that too. After sitting in the foyer with my so called friends and hearing them inviting each other around to their houses I would get up and start to walk around looking for someone to talk to. I would pretend (unintentionally) that I was trying to find a certain person that I needed to speak to. I never found that person (‘cos I didn’t know who it was – ‘duh) and by the time I had done a few laps of the church it was time to go home. It makes me laugh a little at how silly it is, but if you have ever done this you know how much it hurts.

I am still very insecure today. I think why I had such a huge reaction to Scott at the Forge Intensive was because I was reliving the fact that I didn’t think I was important enough to be spoken to and I felt lonely and wanted to be swallowed up by the floor. I can’t go to a movie and enjoy myself if I see someone sitting on their own I just get too upset and can’t stop worrying about them. I try extra hard to be nice and friendly and show an interest in those who I see as lonely. There is a lady at my work who is an extremely lonely, bitter woman. I try so hard to be nice to her and I can slowly see her opening up to me. I just don’t want her to feel as left out and as stupid as I did and still do sometimes. It’s funny how things always come back to you. Just when I think I am over my insecurity of being lonely, it hits me in the face again. At my current church we did a ministry personality test thing. I was the ONLY PERSON to have a certain mix. I am an INTP and I was the only person in the church to have a NT. This made me feel even more detached and isolated than I already was. If you want to read about an INTP or whatever look here. It's scary how exact they can be. They have an explanation for all different scenarios down the bottom.

I know I’m not the easiest person to get to know. Poor Hamo at the Intensive was trying to chat to me and I kept giving him one word answers. I get really shy and clam up. That’s the trouble I think. Either I clam up and don’t give people much to go on, or I get verbal diarrhoea and can’t stop talking about all my problems (stemming from having no close friends to do this to I think). I wish people would invite me out for a coffee sometimes and take the time to get to know me as I always try and put the effort in with other people.

I don’t know if God allowed me to go through this so that I would be able to understand other lonely people or not. I just know that it is still something that I struggle with and is a part of me that I don’t tell anyone. I think I’ve only ever told this to Russell before. So, obviously the next step was the wonderful world wide web :)

Anyway…that’s just another little part about me, and I’m glad that I have finally been able to put it down on paper.

like sands through the hourglass....so are the days of bek #5

Wow, the last time I updated this little series was in January! Far too long ago I say. You can read the previous posts, here, here, here, and here.

High School. Dun dun dun duuuunnnn….

High School for me was a little tough. Year 8 was great. Thinking I was ‘all that’ because I was a teenager now and was in high school! Year 9 was spent looking down on all the Year 8’s who thought they were ‘all that’ and was mainly spent in the girls toilets. I used to ask my teacher if I could go to the toilet before recess and then would stay there till late afternoon. We had a couple of showers in our toilets and I used to hang off the shower curtain pole and walk up the wall, along the roof and back again for hours on end. This was of course spent with my best friend who was such a bad influence for the next few years. The one class I did turn up to was music. I loved music and was the teachers pet. You could not tear me away from that class no matter how hard you tried. I don’t remember learning anything else that year. Also while in Year 9, decided that witchcraft was the thing and I started to dabble in it quite a bit with my friend. I was so easily led along and I thought I was so cool being a rebel. Year 10 I had one too many freaky experiences with the whole witchcraft thing and decided to give it up. I got more involved in my school work and enjoyed sport a lot more. I stopped music because my teacher left the school and I couldn’t stand the new teacher and his style or should I say groove. I competed in a couple of running and high jump carnivals and really enjoyed myself. I started becoming good friends with a girl who happened to be the sport legend at our school. She held most swimming, running, athletic records at our school and I could never keep up with her. Just once I wanted to beat her in a sport, but I don’t think it ever happened. I beat her in my English and that’s about it. Not that our friendship was all about competing against each other, but it did start heading down that track. My favourite sport would have been the cross country and the high jump. Boy, did I love whipping off my skirt and parading around in my bummies (or as they say here in WA – bloomers) because I didn’t want to knock the pole off with my skirt (the school soon sorted that out by introducing shorts).

Year 11 our school decided to introduce the TEE system. Our class were the guinea pigs. In previous years the school had always run on the PACE system – learning at your own pace – in my opinion, this system was and is crap. We were so far behind all other schools and we were given a rude shock when we started TEE. I decided to only do English and Art as TEE subjects and for all the others I just did TAFE courses. Most of what I remember in Year 11 is that I was constantly told off and reprimanded in my Art class for "being too abstract" and to "just do it" normally – I thought art was supposed to be expressionistic!
Year 12 I dropped Art and kept up with my English. I found English to come naturally and didn’t really apply myself as much as I should have. I still passed, but I didn’t pass with any flair.

I wasn’t a prefect and I wasn’t considered anything special. I couldn’t get a boyfriend and I felt like the chick who had to make up for all her flaws with her humor. I was silly and outgoing and completely comfortable in my skin. I didn’t have mangos I had mosquito bites (if you get what I mean….boobs). I couldn’t wear a strapless dress to the ball like all the other girls ‘cos there wasn’t anything there to hold them up. And…stop reading if you’re a boy….I didn’t get a visit from Aunty Flow till the year out of school. You could say I was a late bloomer.

Boys….feel free to re-join :) I bet you didn’t stop reading anyway did you!?

I never really felt like I fitted in at anything at school. I wasn’t one of the pretty ones, I wasn’t one of the smart ones, I wasn’t one of the sporty ones, I wasn’t one of the musical ones (any more), and I wasn’t one of ‘the couples’. I was my own person. I didn’t care! I did my own thing. Said what I thought, thought about things after I did them and never backed down in a debate. I was passionate about what I deemed important and it wasn’t until I stopped hanging out with my friend from Year 9 that I got serious about God and became more involved genuinely at church and school. Our class put together Awakening ’01, the year we finished school. Awakening was something we did once a week during lunchtime and was a time of worship and prayer for high schoolers only. We got quite a regular crowd and people genuinely enjoyed it. At our graduation we handed over Awakening, and still today it is still going, currently Awakening ’07. Its nice to have a little memory still going at school from our class.

I didn’t have much of an idea of what I wanted to do career wise. I went on a couple of work experience placements and ended up deciding I would persue media. In Year 10 I went on work experience at Armadale Hospital. I desperately wanted to be a midwife (since I was 5 or something). I went into the labour ward for a couple of days and during the course of the week managed to pass out twice on my head nurse. After deciding it wasn’t for me I did a couple of other placements, cant remember all of them, and the last one I did was with the ‘Weekend Examiner’ a small newspaper based out of Armadale. I did really well and got quite a few stories published, and a couple with a by line - meaning at the top of the article it says By Rebekah Furlong. I really enjoyed this and decided I would continue with my English studies and head off to Uni, but thats a story for another time.

This has ended up being much longer than I thought and has sort of turned into something different to what I thought I would write about.

I guess high school really did a bit of shaping for me. I developed a sense of humor and a personality of being loud and abrupt and silly and chaotic all at once. I was secure in who I was but felt insecure in my standing with people. I was yet to go through a personality crisis….if you can have one at 18.

like sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek...part 4

Choosing the new school.

When we moved over to Perth we had to (obviously) choose a new school to attend. Since it was only my brother and I at school at the time, we got to go with mum and dad to look 2 schools.
We went and had a look at Thornlie Primary School and also Thornlie Christian College. We went to the public school first. It was just like (similar anyway) our school in Cairns. Except in Cairns you could get away with not wearing any shoes all day (it was too hot). Robert loved it. I don’t know why, but I just remember when we left the school, Robert was sold. We then went to Thornlie Christian College. The students had their own individual desks and they had dividers up.

I loved it because it was something different and it seemed really exciting. We took a vote, I voted for the private school, Robert for the public. In the end mum and dad made the final decision and we ended up going to the Private school.
All of the schoolwork was done at your own PACE – hence the name pace books. You got little workbooks on all different subjects. Math, English, Word Building, Social Studies, Science, etc. These books had numbers and the quicker you finished a book, the quicker you could go to the next book up. You had to set weekly goals for how many chapters you would finish in each book, when you finished the test at the end of the book you would get a star on a chart for finishing that book (We had a chart for each term and you were able to see how many books you had completed for the term). The only problem with these books was you had to mark your own work and they were also mainly based on American history and teachings.
When you had completed a few pages of work you had to go to a ‘score key’ and mark your work putting crosses next to each incorrect answer, and you would have to go back, find the correct answer and then re-score.
(I know all you Thornlie-ites remember this!!)

I however, was a little cheater!! I have a really good memory, so whenever I went to the score keys I would memorise the next 2-3 pages, go back to my desk and fill them all out! I remember my Year 7 teacher telling us all "be sure your sins will find you out" and I remember stressing over getting caught! Never did :)

Back in Cairns, I was at the top of the class in my English and reading (I wasn’t really a good speller though). I remember being on Grade 3/ 4 reading books in Year 1. When I moved over to WA and started attending this school where you were on a number for your work level I lost a lot of self-esteem. I was on lower books then classmates because I hadn’t done a lot of the type of work they were doing in this school (I attended this school halfway through Grade 5). I thought I was dumb and sometimes copped teasing for being on a lower level than others. Hence, I started to put no effort in my school work because I didn’t see the point as I couldn’t catch up to others and I had no motivation sitting all by myself at my desk and forcing myself to do work. There was no class interaction and no teacher/student interaction. To get a teachers attention, we had 3 flags we could use to gain a teachers attention. The Australian Flag was used for simple questions, needing to go to the toilet, or a simple question regarding your work. There was a white flag that had a red something in the corner (cant remember what) that was used if you needed help for an extended period. The last flag was bright red. This was the emergency flag. You used it if you desperately needed help and had exhausted all other methods. I always used this one because the jolly teachers would take forever to come answer your normal flags. I’d get them over to my desk and then pounce on them with all sorts of questions.

When my sister was in Grade 1 she needed to go to the toilet. She started with the Aussie flag and the teachers wouldn’t answer it (no surprise there). So she stuck up her emergency flag because the situation became urgent and the teachers still didn’t answer the flag. She ended up peeing in her chair because the teachers were too ‘busy’ (lazy) to answer her flag and let her leave the classroom to go to the toilet.

I don’t share that story to embarrass my sister but to show you how corrupted the system was! That can be so damaging to children – wetting themselves in front of the class! Also leaving children to their own devices can also be damaging. I don’t agree with the system that school used, but thankfully when I was in Grade 11 (a little late) they abolished the curriculum and started using something else. My class was the first in the school history to start TEE and the change was dramatic. We went from teaching ourselves to having to go to a curriculum that was above and beyond what we were prepared for.

So I spent most of my time at school thinking I was an idiot and that I was never going to amount to anything much because I felt Grades lower than what I really was. I loved art but was quickly squashed by my teacher for being ‘too abstract’. I lost the friendship of my brother. He grew up and got his own friends and no longer needed me. We were best mates in Cairns and all of a sudden we were more acquaintances here in WA. Life changed and it was something I had to get used to. Everything was different. Church, school, friends, home. In Cairns I spent most of my recess and lunch on my own, but here I found myself striving for acceptance all of a sudden. I simply put it down to growing up.

Because I couldn’t lean on my intelligence at this school, I quickly developed a sense of humour to over compensate for my lack of grey matter. I took out a lot on Stunners and I quickly grew to love teasing him! IM SORRY!! You were just an easy target. I remember telling you to ‘get away hairy legs’ and I’m sorry. You’re a mate now!

There are so many stories from my school years. As I’m sure all of us have got stories. Mine grew a little dark in high school and I will post about that in my next instalment. I dabbled in lots of dodgy things (I’m sure we all did) and I’m not proud of what I did, but it’s a part of my journey and one that I will never regret – its part of who I am!

I hope you all have a great Aussie Day and that you all have safe travels!!

like sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek...part 3

It has been so long since I updated this particular post that I decided to get my act together and do the next instalment.
I left it at the drive over. We spent roughly 5 weeks driving over from QLD to WA. On the way we stopped off in Brisbane and Sydney and a few other places on the way to say hi to the majority of our family over there. Most of them still are actually we only have our family of 6 plus Granny and now partners here. So it is very rare that we get to spend any time with our family – DON’T TAKE YOUR FAMILY FOR GRANTED! I wish I had mine here. I am fairly close with my cousins and its hard not getting to spend much time with them.
I remember my parents promising me that we would get to spend my 10th birthday in Brisbane with Granny, but our van died in Bowen (a small town) on the 2nd day (Im pretty sure) of our trip! So that’s where I spent my birthday. In a caravan park waiting for our car to be fixed. Dad made up for it though by sticking lollies up his nose when Granny wasn’t watching. It was hilarious!
Anyway we headed on with our journey and didn’t have too many other hassles on the way. I vividly remember the majority of the sights. Different States and different views, Im lucky I was old enough to remember these things. My younger brother and sister don’t remember anything.
Robbo and I had the back seats of the van and things we got up to…We would hide under a quilt and I would eat all of his lollies, we would read and make ourselves sick. We also watched my sister wake up and wonder where her pillow had gone – she had rested it on her OPEN window and it had fallen out on the journey – she still gets teased to this day. Dru also had a little "treasure" his "baby" it was a tatty old pillow he took with him everywhere! Robbo and I woke up to find him clinging onto his "baby" for dear life (he was 3 at the time) as it had slipped out the window and his tiny little fingers where trying to hold onto it. He didn’t utter a single noise! We just woke up saw his panicked face and Robbo helped pull "baby" to safety. I will never forget the look on his face, or his little fingers slowly losing their grip. It still makes me laugh now!
There are so many great memories from that trip. I think it bonded us as siblings, even if we still fought a lot growing up. Our family still remember different stories and often laugh around the dinner table about them. Much to Russells dislike. He doesn’t understand how we can laugh at the same thing over and over. It probably doesn’t help when I turn to tell him another story and he says "you’ve already told me this!"
When we arrived in Perth, we went straight to one of the Elders (of our new church) families place and had dinner. It was spaghetti! Don’t know how I still remember that! We then got taken to the place that the Church rented for us to stay in until we found a new house. I cant remember how long we were there for but I remember getting to move into our new house. It is 2 streets away from Thornlie and we could walk to church every Sunday (we complained loudly about this). I love this house. Over the backyards fence are ovals and we used to climb the fence and play on the ovals, go bike riding, and catching tadpoles. The house has gone through many changes, including turning the lounge room into mum and dads room, it has a pool, and now a Granny Flat called "The Shed" which is where Granny lives. They decided on calling it "The Shed" because Dad always offered to put Granny up in our little tin shed where the Granny Flat is now. We had a little competition to come up with a name, and the only thing us furlongs could come up with was the Pat Flat (Grannys name is Patricia). Sometimes we secretly call it that, but Granny hates it. So it’s "The Shed" for now.
Anyway, we settled into WA and had to adjust to all the differences. Not only a new State and weather happenings (we didn’t even own jumpers!) but also another denominational church. We were bapo’s and we had moved to a Church of Christ. Not much difference really. Deacons/Elders, Communion every fortnight/Every week, Sunday school before church with a pickup bus/Sunday during Church (although this really hasn’t got anything to do with denomination). So only slight differences, Thornlie was bigger though. I remember doing rolly polly’s down the hallway in front of dads office with Robert, and shoving leaflets through his little letter box next to the door. We also had to settle into a new school where you used to have to use flags to get the teachers attention (this story will have to be on a whole different post) and to making new friends. One girl I met within our first week here was Sally Cathles! She was on her way to a ballet class and she had such frizzy hair. She was also one of my bridesmaids and is getting married to Karl on the 30th of this month. How Exciting! Its great to still be friends after so long.
Anywho, I will have to finish off because this is so long, and Im at work!! Better hit those mounting files !!

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of bek... part 2

In 1994 my family moved to Perth. I remember my parents going to Perth to speak at a church, and then after a few months was asked how we ((he kids) felt about moving to Perth. Since I was a huge loner at school I was up for it, my bro wasn't too keen first off but soon came round, the younger two were too young to understand.
You may have noticed I referred to my siblings as "the kids", we all call each other "the kids" I still call them "the kids" it's just our name for us all because we're too lazy to refer to each other singularly.
I was about to turn 10, robbo had just turned 7, kate 5 and little druth, still in nappies. Growing up in Cairns, we spent most our time in undies and that's it, it was just sooo hot. We headed off in our car (van) on an adventure to a new place. I had never heard of WA! I was completely naive. Whenever I look back on Cairns, I miss it. Don't you ever look back at your childhood and wish you could go back? My backyard was my world! We had a massive Mango tree I used to climb with Robbo and we would take a spoon with us and eat all the mangoes we wanted – I can now no longer even handle the smell on mangoes, I claim I overdosed on them and haven't touched them since. We also had 2 mulberry trees which had big leaves that created a cubby house, 2 lemon trees and a couple coconut ones ( I think) In QLD they have what you call "green ants" they are nasty if you get bitten by them! But my brother and I used to bite their bums off and suck on them. They were a kinda sour taste. This also helped eliminate them!! (haha – evil laugh – our plan was to save the world from them) They create these huge nests from the leaves and when the whole nest gets on you, theres no stopping them! I was helping mum one arvo by picking a few lemons and I must've upset one to many ants because a whole nest got on me, in my eyes, biting all over. We had people over for dinner that night and I couldn't even open my eyes, I just cried and went to bed. Here's a couple of photos of the nasty critters…when they bite you, their little bums go up in the air. The nest in the photo is a small one.


Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. I guess I'm just putting in little stories as I remember them because I feel they explain who I am a little bit more. I was always in another world. I don't think people will ever grasp how much of an air-head I was. I still day-dream most of the day, and I have trouble communicating verbally a lot because my mind is always another step ahead. Russell gets so frustrated when I'm trying to explain things to him. They make sense to me, but for some reason he doesn't understand my way of thinking and this has been one of the things that has isolated me the majority of my life.
Actually-I want to have a small rant here. All my life people have called me 'PK' . You may have even called someone else this? I still get called it and I am 22, and I get called it from people who are even 40 and over. PEOPLE! You don't know how isolating this is to the people you call this. I was an isolated person as it was, but people had to make me even more isolated by naming me things based on my fathers job. DON'T DO IT! You honestly don't understand how words can take an effect on people. This isn't just with Pastors children, but anyone who maybe different to you. I don't understand how even people we call 'wise' in church, can name call to this extent. DON'T DO IT – if I catch you, you better watch out.
Well this is kinda long, so I'll end it here (but continue later) Sorry it wasn't really about my move to Perth, but it is still part of my journey.
To be continued…
p.s ive tried and tried and cant get these blasted green ant pics up for you, sorry!

Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of bek...

Ive decided to chronicle a bit of my life. At the moment in my life I feel so misunderstood by people. Those people probably wont read this blogspot, but if I can get it out of my system, it might help me a bit.
The Basics…
I was born April 1984, the first of four to Rob & Karen Furlong in Brisbane, QLD. Mum and Dad were Pastoring in a small country town, Toogoolawah a few hours west (Im pretty sure) of Brisbane. This little town has one main street, with 3 pubs on it! Its a small quiet town, and this is where I spent the first 2 years of my life (lots of memories :) ). After that, my parents were called to Cairns Baptist Church in Far North QLD. This is where my 3 siblings were born. Dad was the associate pastor to Wes Caddy. Uncle Wes I grew to call him. He wore white cowboy boots to church, with short white shorts. (Those Qlders) Eventually Dad came to be Senior Pastor here and we stayed till 1994, until once again, my parents were called to WA. Thornlie Church of Christ. We (they) have been there ever since. I am currently at Bull Creek Church of Christ, and have been there since 2005. I met Russell late 2001, and we married in 2005.
Thats a basic run down of my life so far. You probably notice that the majority of it revolves around church. My faith is my life, I cannot separate the two.
So I dont really know where to begin in detail. How about I start with my earliest memory?
I must have been 3, and it was just after I had had a bath and my dad was teaching me how to put a singlet on by myself. My little brother had just arrived, Robert James, and we soon became the best of friends. My fondest memories of my childhood involve my brother. We used to be adventurers. Climbing trees, creating our own make-believe worlds, and constantly on an adventure.
I was always in another world. Even though I did well at school, I was ALWAYS daydreaming.
I remember one instance when I was in Year 2, I hadnt been paying much attention and my teacher was asking us to tell her different words that sound the same but are spelt different and have a different meaning. Some of the kids were saying "their, there, they're". I remember putting my hand up and saying "Sunshine". My teacher was a little puzzled and I went on to explain that my Mum called my brother Sunshine, and that it was also a word for 'the' Sunshine. She told me to stop being silly and continued with class. I distinctly remember being confused as to what I had done wrong, I thought I had given a good answer! I was an absolute dag in primary school (still was in High). My undies never had elastic in them and they would always fall down when I played jump rope. I would purposely try and make bruises on my legs so I could go to the office and get betadine put on because I like the look of it. I was top of my class in Reading/English – I was on Grade 3 work in Grade 1. I spent my 'little recess' and 'big recess' in the school Library, and eventually lost myself in books. I didnt have many friends and I was a bit of a rebel/crazy kid at Girls Brigade. I was pretty much a normal kid (not that Russell would agree). I had a few quirks, but who doesnt?
Next chapter: The BIG move...