Let me explain...

This time last week I was sitting at work in excruciating pain. The one thought going through my mind was “something’s gone wrong”.

I knew I was pregnant, but I knew something had gone wrong.

Instead of speaking to anyone, I just sat here, in pain, and hoped that it was just a bad stomach ache or gas or something other than what I knew loomed before me. I popped a couple of Nurofen Plus’ but they didn’t even make a dent in the pain.

We went to dinner at my parents that night to celebrate my brother and sis-in-laws birthdays. But, as I usually do, I acted happy and content and I sat in silence fighting to not talk to my mum about anything. I didn’t want to make a big deal over something so small (small at the time). When we went home I went straight to bed. I was constantly woken up by pain. I was getting sweaty and was crippled over in pain I couldn’t lie still. I went to the toilet and was bleeding everywhere. I wandered back into our bedroom and was curled up on the floor. Russell asked if I was ok to which I replied “I think I’ve just had a miscarriage”.

To which Russell headed to the toilet to throw up. I crawled down to the kitchen to get him some water and brought it back to him, and was rubbing his back. He sent me back to our bedroom and told me to just rest. When he was done he came back and said we needed to go to the hospital. Being stubborn as I am I refused and said we would wait till morning.

The next morning we went to the doctor and she did a pregnancy test, positive, she then said that there were 3 possibilities. That it was Ectopic, that I had already miscarried, or that I was about to miscarry. None of which included me keeping my baby.

I was then sent straight to King Edward to get numerous tests done. Russell had to go into the city to do a job test application thing and met up with me at King Edward (great timing). I had countless examinations done – all of which were completely embarrassing and humiliating…”oh wait there’s someone over there that hasn’t seen, why not invite them to join the party?!?”

While I was waiting for one of the doctors I asked the nurse that if it was Ectopic, if I could still keep my baby, she laughed and said no and I just burst into tears. I was over it all, and couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. Why me/us? Why did God take our baby away.

To make things worse, a girl at my work is 9 weeks pregnant, and is completely fine.

To cut a long story short, I have been in and out of the doctor’s surgery and the hospital, making sure it wasn’t Ectopic, and what not. It ends up that it was just a natural miscarriage, and they cannot really explain why. I was 7 weeks along, so would’ve been 8 weeks today.

I’ve had a while to process all this. I have cried too many tears and am completely physically and emotionally exhausted. It is amazing how attached and how much love you can have for someone that hasn’t been around long, and how much it hurts when you feel that loss. But, I don’t blame this on God. There must be a good reason as to why this wasn’t meant to be. That is the only thing that I have left to cling to. I have hope that God has got even greater plans in store for me. I can’t keep blaming myself either. I was going over all the stupid things I had done over the last couple of weeks and kept beating myself up over them, but I can’t keep going down that track. It won’t bring my baby back.

I just want to move on, continue to enjoy life, cling to God, and cling to my amazing husband – it’s been great timing since he hasn’t had to be at work at all! – and cling to the hope that God has got us in mind, that he will bless us with children, and that all will be ok.

It will all be ok.