Give it a Rest

This post has been brewing for a long time.


Disclaimer: There is no-one individual in particular that this is aimed at. If there are any similarities to stories, it is purely coincidental. However, if you identify yourself in one of the comments/stories...maybe it's something to think about? Again, not aimed at any one in particular...just some of my thoughts from the last 2.5yrs


Now that's out of the way...


I have come to realise in the last 2.5 years, just how judgemental and competitive mothers are. This may be old news to you, but to me I am staggered by the notion and tired of it - I'm also grouping myself into this category.


I had a natural birth so I'm better than those who had cesareans...I had an epidural and drugs, I didn't so I'm stronger...I had my baby in a bath or at home so my experience is better than yours.

I've breastfed for 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, 2.5 friggin years! Who gives a rats?

I don't breast feed, I bottle feed. I express, I don't...I don't shave my under arms!! (sometimes I do one side and forget the other!)


I use store bought food (isn't all of it in some form anyway?) I create my own blends, I only use veggies from my garden, I only use organic or preservative/additive free food.


I smack. I time-out. I like to be a bit more free-spirited. I do baby-wise I do montessori.

I have a routine, I'm flexible.


I love controlled crying/self settling. I prefer to cuddle for every cry.


I love my husband more than my children, I love my children more than my husband.


I don't give my children chocolates/easter eggs/lollies/juice...I do.


My 6 month old is walking - my 18 month old isn't...


I've got boys, I've got girls, which one is harder to raise? Aren't they all?? Their kids for goodness sakes! It's tough work no matter the sex.


And so it goes on and on.


I first came across this in a mother's group I joined when Eme was 3 months old. All the other bubs were only 8 weeks old and yet there was still an underlying competition between the parents. No-one wants to seem like they are doing the wrong thing, yet we all have differing ideas that we get insecure and worry about whether we've got it right or down pat. Sometimes though, this can start down the path of watching what others are doing and judging what they do and what their decisions may be.


"I wish she would just control that child" - while standing in the checkout line.
"I wish she would just smack them and be done with it!"
"How dare he feed his child that!"


I get it - I've thought the same thoughts. Had the same feelings.


But...I'm over it.


Who gave us the right (as parents) to become such oppressive and judgemental people? The baby is born and all of a sudden we're experts - though we claim not to be! We ask for the manual that should have come with the baby, yet we somehow develop a manual/Bible within the 1st year and judge how everyone else is doing by it.


All I'm asking is - can we just give each other a break? I don't like let alone enjoy living in such an oppressive society.


How about when gathering in our little mummy groups/girls nights/coffee catchups - How about instead of jumping down the mother's throat with advice and tips and "tsk tsk's", why don't we just try and listen.


"I'm sorry Harry keeps drawing on the wall while your cooking dinner. That sucks. I understand. I hear you. I still love you. You're not a bad mum, we all have tough days."


Whether you have 1, 2, 3+ kids - it's still tough work.


I can already sense the amount of flack I'm going to cop for posting this, but I can't not say anything anymore. I'm tired of it and I'm also guilty of it. If you are reading this and you have ever felt judged by me...I'm sorry. I'll try do better next time we meet.


And while I'm at it I have a confession to make. Yesterday, I gave Eme a McDonalds Happy Meal for lunch...and my 11 month old, Ava, yeah, I gave her an Easter egg I found under a couch. Shoot me now!

Stripping to retrieve my Dignity

Isn’t it funny how we clothe ourselves in the words others have spoken?
Someone can say a small sentence to me and I will carry it for years.

Age 7 “She isn’t even wearing a real leotard”

Age 17 “You will never get a boyfriend, let alone a husband!”

Age 24 “I never took you for the mothering type”

It has occurred to me that over the years I have carried these words with me, and they have dictated certain things I do or say. I’ve clothed myself (self-image and confidence) and gone about my daily activities carrying these words, usually without even realising how they determine my reactions, words, and thoughts.

I may be struggling with the girls one day and suddenly the words will pop up in my mind “well, you know, you don’t really have it in you to be a mum…that’s why this is so difficult – that’s why today is so hard!”.

Why is it that we (I’m assuming I’m not the only one who does this!) mull over these words so much? Why do we carry these for years and let them dictate what we do?

I’ve just realised – in my ripe old age of 27 – that I have allowed these people and their opinions to shape me, rather than the opinion of the One who really counts, to shape me.

I’m pretty certain that God doesn’t think I’m a terrible mum. I’m pretty certain he had Russell in mind for me. And I’m also pretty certain that he doesn’t care how I look on the outside. He is the one who created me – even all the little quirky bits he treasures.

But why can I not start my day off dressing in the grace, love, compassion and confidence He gives?

I find it really hard to not care about what others think. In fact, I only care about what other people think and often I do things to please others rather than look after myself. I can be a bit of a push over – in certain aspects anyway! I often bust my butt to keep someone else happy, but end up putting myself out and piling to my stress pile.

I constantly worry over my words, whether I’m saying the right thing, whether I’m being understood/misunderstood, whether people are just being nice to my face and behind my back whispering “what crack is she on?” A side note here: A vast majority of my dreams involve my mouth being full of gum or my lips and tongue are swollen and I can’t speak or get my words out…they are VERY frustrating dreams!

And all of this worrying is starting to wear me down. I’m tired of doubting my parenting abilities. Tired of doubting whether Russ feels like he got ‘stuck’ with me (he assures me he doesn’t feel this way!) I’m tired of doubting whether I look appropriate or if I’m saying the right things.
So, this week I’m going to strip. I’m going to strip the labels and opinions other people have of me, in the attempt of God re-dressing me. God knows I need it! It’s going to be a massive journey and a bumpy one at that, but I can feel God tugging at me saying “c’mon now, you KNOW I’ve got better plans for you”.

I don’t want to live my life in fear, in fear of doing the wrong thing. I don’t want to live my life under the labels, opinions, and off-handed comments others make of me.

I want to live the life God has planned for me. I want to live that life in the body and mind that he created for me. Quirky bits and all!

Soft like melting ice-cream

I think I may be getting soft in my 'old age'.

What used to irk me and get me all fired up no longer bothers me - as much anyway!

When I was 20/21 I would go to church and get so angry about...well...just about everything! Too many old songs, too many slow songs, boring unchallenging sermon, stale communion bread, etc etc...
But, as I have aged and hopefully 'matured' in my faith, some of these things no longer bother me. What does it matter how many old songs there are? As long as they are relevant and I understand what they are saying! I guess I still have the same issues, but they are no longer causing such a fire in my belly. I don't feel the need to jump down peoples throats or complain endlessly to Russell.

Ive been praying and looking for more opportunities for God to grow me spiritually. And while it hasn't felt too drastic, I have definately felt God's peace and reassurance settle within me.

I'm starting to be able to sit through a service and just worship or enjoy fellowship. I'm not saying things don't bother me anymore - because some things still do. There are still things which I think are important and play a part in each church, but for the majority I'm finding myself more and more happy. Which is definately a nice change.

Maybe it's thanks to my amazing small group - love you guys xxx
Maybe it's thanks to a couple who are mentoring Russ and I and who are so supportive in prayer and fellowship
Maybe it's just old age...I am nearing my 30s after all!

I don't know which of you chookies laid that egg, but....OUCH!

Cuddles with Rahni

I don't think I mentioned on my blog, but on Dec 15th 2010 I became an Aunty again to little Rahni Mae. She is Russ' first 'blood' niece so he was pretty excited :)

Yesterday she and her mum came for a visit and we got some cuddles :) She is very adorable! Russ was holding her and quick as a flash Ava flew over to him to show Rahni just who her Dadda is...she never goes to Russ for cuddles of her own free will, but if her Dadda holds someone else, she gets very jealous!!

Blossi in pink - Rahni in blue

"What's going on over here? He's my dadda!"

Quite a nice photo of them both!

New Course

While I have put my nursing studies on hold I have begun another degree! Crazy...why yes indeed I am!

I was meant to continue my nursing studies at the start of this year, however I didn't feel I would be able to get it done with 2 very young girlies at home. So I decided to put it off another semester...which is due to start in another month or so! However, I have put them on hold again. I decided that it is not really possible to get to labs and pracs when I don't feel right having my daughters babysat or in day care. That's my responsibility! I made the choice to have children, and sacrifices need to be made. I am in no way saying that mums shouldn't work or study, and should dedicate their entire lives to their kids, but for me, this is my choice...and I currently choose to invest in them.

However, I did feel the need to occupy my mind with something a bit more than the lyrics to Wiggles songs. So, I am currently studying externally through Griffith University - a Writing Degree. I am majoring in both Creative Professional Writing and also Journalism. I enjoy writing (hence the existence of this blog) and it is one of the things that I feel I am (somewhat) talented in.

I have enjoyed my units so far and am getting some positive feedback. For my creative writing unit we have, for example, 7 writing tasks to complete every 3 weeks. We are given different topics and are then required to post them onto a forum where other students in the course can comment - it's kind of like a blog! We also have 3 major creative writing pieces we need to submit. In my other unit we need to read 5 well-known pieces of literature and have 3 major assignments and final exam on the books we've read. I am currently reading, Antony & Cleopatra by Shakespeare, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight by Unknown, Medea by Euripides, Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte and Anna Karenina by Tolstoy.....BIG I know! And as you can probably guess, the theme for the study period is Love and Marriage!

I am really enjoying it, and I am also enjoying getting feedback on people who are reading some of my written assignments. I'll attach a piece I wrote on the 12th of June - the topic was a 'Sensory Experience - a Day out with Friends'

"The sun streaming through the canopy of trees above, sting my eyes. The soft and slightly damp grass beneath, with toes wriggling between the long strands. The weight of her body upon my chest, I can feel her body rising and falling with each breath. I can hear her sucking her fingers and humming a little tune she has made up on the spot. We can smell meat and onions cooking on the barbie which only causes our stomachs to rumble even more. My daughter wrapped up in my arms, enjoying the warmth we give each other on a cool winter afternoon. The sounds of friends talking away and kids playing on the nearby play set. I tune them all out just to listen to my daughters breathing, and continue to feel the rising and falling. In. Out. In. Out."

I'm not really into writing descriptively, and I found myself feeling a bit try hardish with using descriptive words...but there ya go! It's good to go out of your comfort zone sometimes. To learn new things and develop current talents!

Procrastination Key

Ugh...I'm using my blog as a tool for procrastination. I have a sink of dishes that are calling my name and some assignments I need to get a start on, BUT I've decided I need to put up another post ;)

On the menu for tonights dinner is Sticky Chinese Pork. I can't remember how I stumbled upon this recipe, but I've been wanting to try it out for awhile. Something about the word 'sticky' just grabs me! I'll post up whether it was worth the effort or not!

We have small group this wednesday night also and we are going to be starting our look at Rob Bell's new book 'Love Wins'. If you've been out of it for awhile - there has been a lot of controversy over this book. Hopefully it will generate some healthy discussion and we can all still be friends afterwards hehehe.

On a side note about our group, we got out of our comfort zones yesterday and helped out at a semi-local church! They were in need of some help with their music area, and we pratically contain an entire music team within our group, so we volunteered our time and 'talents'. We were hoping to be a blessing to the church, but I think we may have been the ones who were blessed! Russ and I got such a buzz from it that we couldn't stop talking about it for hours after! It's nice to finally do something for the benefit of someone else. Hopefully we all felt the same and will be up for it in another month...maybe...guys??

Anyway...I think I've procrastinated enough...I better head to those dishes :(

Cobwebs of Procrastination

We have been living in our first (mortgage) home now for 3yrs and 8mths. And for around 3yrs and 6mths I have been thinking “I really need to clean these windows”. Only just this morning did I get around to doing them! While I was wiping the cobwebs away and rubbing away at some of the marks it got me thinking about different things in life we put off.

An argument with a friend that you never got around to resolving.

A letter of encouragement you meant to write and send but never did.

A simple “I love you” to a sister who rarely hears those words from your lips.

I tend to put things off a lot. There have been friendships that have gone by the way side simply because I haven’t taken the time, built up the courage or put aside my pride, to resolve any of the issues. There are cobwebs in my life that tend to continue to build up on each other. Yet, I always manage to find an excuse as to why I don’t ‘have the time’ or the courage to sort things out.

Maybe it’s not relationships that you need to work on, but it is money matters, or words of encouragement that need to be spoken. Whatever it is you’re putting off – put a stop to it! Stop the excuses and get on with it! I’m speaking to myself just as much here!

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.” Matt 5:23+24 (v25+26 are also good)

It is surprising to me that within the Christian community there seems to be so many broken relationships. Is this simply because we are human and it is ‘human nature’ to not get along with everyone? Or is it something more? Look at David. He was being hunted down by King Saul who was attempting to kill him and yet when he hears of Saul’s death he mourns (2 Sam 1:11).

I’m getting a little side-tracked here :)

I could go down a whole other path here, but I will end it with this question:

What are you putting off till 'tomorrow' what needs to be done today?

Saosin - Voices

Saosin

Great-Grandparents and CAKE!

This week we celebrated my mum's 50th Birthday!! Her father and stepmum flew over from NSW and also my dad's mum flew over to celebrate with us. It is always AWESOME when I get to see my grandparents and I enjoyed spending time with them. We had dinner together as a family on Friday night, partied with Mum on Saturday night and then on Sunday arvo went down to Mandurah and had fish n chips and a stroll through the Esplanade - letting Eme play on the park. I baked mum a Mississippi Mud Cake for Friday night...and I am not boasting here, but it is the best damn cake I have ever tasted! It is beautiful, and I am finding myself baking it on an almost weekly basis! I'm not sure if I'm prepared to share the recipe yet though hehehehe. I also made some Chai Chai Cupcakes. Chai tea infused...yummy and sticky :)

Mississippi Mud Cake

I normally just put a thick Ganache on top and serve cream on the side...however I had to transport this to my parents place so decided i would just pop the cream on top to save taking 2 bowls. However, my cake was still a tad warm and all the cream melted off by the time I got to my parents...I was not happy!

Chai Chai cupcakes

This just had a sugar syrup cinnamon topping

Aunty Di, Pa, and Ava

Mothers Day 2011

This year I got to spend mother's day with 2 beautiful daughters! Oh, and I also got to see my mum, granny and sisters :)

In the morning Russ brought me a cuppa tea and some porridge - Eme decided she wanted to join in so brought in her glass of milk :)

My first Mothers Day with Blossi Chops

With my two cherries before bedtime

From left: Kate - mum to Kajah. Mum - mum to Me Robbo Kate and Dru.

Yours truly - mum to Emery and Ava

Granny/Gg - mum to Stephen Karen and Greg

Kaylee - mum to Landon and Evelyn (and one on the way!!)

It was a lovely day and I was so blessed to be able to spend it with all my family and in particular with my 2 cherries xxx

Winnie the Pooh - Waiting for a star to fall (Boy meets Girl)

Last year my Dad was watching different clips on You Tube
and Eme was sitting on his lap watching with him. She loved this
song and it is now their 'special song'. So sweet :) I love the words
to it :)

What's Your Giant?

I was reading a book last night that my Dad had given me for my birthday, called 'Facing Your Giants' by Max Lucado.
I was reading through and there was a section that had me in tears:

"What caused God to pick him? We want to know. We really want to know.
After all, we've walked David's pasture, the pasture of exclusion. We are weary of society's surface-level system, of being graded according to the inches of our waist, the square footage of our house, the colour of our skin, the make of our car, the label of our clothes, the size of our office, the presence of diplomas, the absence of pimples. Don't we weary of such games?
Hard work ignored. Devotion unrewarded. The boss chooses cleavage over character. The teacher picks pet students instead of prepared ones. Parents show off their favourite sons and leave their runts out in the field. Oh, the Goliath of exclusion.
Are you sick of him? Then it's time to quit staring at him. Who cares what he, or they, think? What matters is what your Maker thinks. "The Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1Sam 16:17)"

What/Who is your Goliath? Why do you care what he, or they think? Is it easy to just ignore them and no longer care what they think?

A Time to Heal

So, I've taken a temporary hiatus from facebook. I lead a full and happy life and at the moment facebook makes parts of my life miserable.
I am a happy mum to two wonderful daughters (I love that word!), I have a beautiful loving husband who doesn't just tell me things to fluff my ego but who loves me enough to be honest with me and help me to become a better person. I have a loving family. I've started a Uni Degree which I am loving - like I said...a full life.
I'm just finding that when on facebook, you have so many contacts/"friends" and it is so easy to interact with each other. It's good because you can communicate with a mass amount of people which you could never do in your every normal day...you just couldn't possibly interact with that many people in a day! So, you interact with people more than normal, and in my mind, I guess I get too familiar with people and they may not necessarily feel the same way back...if that makes sense?
Anyway...I'm not the type of person who would try to tear shreds off people, and I don't like being made to feel otherwise. I'm not a malicious person...but facebook has made me feel otherwise.
I love the ease of communicating with my beautiful small group, I love seeing what family over east are up to, and I love getting to see friends photos of their lives.
I just need a break from it all. I have too many other important things in my life which need my attention. I have two daughters who deserve my invested time in them as little people plus I have my blog, which allows me to write what I want...cos it's mine. I often wake at 2am with words that come to me in my dreams, and I love to write so I will pick my blog up where I left off and endeavour to keep it a bit more maintained :)

My "creation" admiring Creation

I love watching Eme admire God's creation.
She always points out the moon when she sees it, and gets very upset if she can't see it because of cloud cover!
I'm loving and enjoying her starting to talk more. The other day I was clipping her into her car seat and she 'sniffed' me and said "smells good mumma!" and continued sniffing me! Love it.
And I love her!

Old Update of My Birthday

This year for my birthday I just had a dinner with my immediate family (without kids hehehe)

I decided I wanted to enjoy some delicious food and have all the kids babysat so that we could enjoy our meal! However, our babysitters fell through so we had our girls there, but we just kept them up all day then put them to bed early in time for we adults to have dinner :) - mean aren't we!

Russ and I get carried away when it comes to hosting sometimes. We decided to do a little 'My Kitchen Rules' style, but without the judging!!!

We had pre-dinner drinks outside under our gazebo with little solar and fairy lights everywhere, then we had entree, main and dessert.

We gutted out our living room and turned it into a "fine-dining" atmosphere and had decorations and everything! We had the time of our lives organising this, and we also LOVED serving our family a beautiful meal (if I may say so myself) without the expense of going to a restaurant.

Entree was Marinated Prawns with a green Thai salad
Main was Beef Eye Fillet (served Medium Rare) on creamy mash with beans
Dessert was a choice of (my personal favourite) Baked Banana Caramel Cheesecake with warm Caramel Sauce OR Mississippi Mud Cake with fresh cream (boy was it Muddy!!)

It was a wonderful night and I had an absolute blast! It actually made me think we should do something like this once a month where you can put out an open invite - the first 10 to respond, get to come along to our place...pay $30 for a 3 course meal and meet people you've never met before and have an enjoyable night!! It's an idea anyway (like Jamie Oliver did in NY)

We called our 'home restaurant' Autumn Skies and we had little menu's for everyone, along with suggested wines for different courses and guests were told to come in Cocktail attire

Here are a few pics from the evening:

A bit blurry, but it's our transformed lounge room

Entree

Unfortunately we were having so much fun, we forgot to snap the other courses

Table decorations. Fish bowls filled with Autumn Leaves surrounded by candles

Group shot!!

Was pretty dark in there!

Obligatory shot at the end of the night of ourselves :)

Family Dynamics

It’s funny how families are so different to each other.

I recently became more aware of this after dinner with my in-laws one night. We were sitting down to dinner and I found a small hair on my plate and said jokingly (with a smile on my face and everything) “this better not be a pube!!” Pretty soon I realised I was the only one laughing!!

Later on, in the car on the way home, I was informed that this is not something my husband’s family would not and DO NOT find funny! I thought it was hilarious! I knew it wouldn’t be a pubic hair! I wasn’t accusing anyone of cooking our dinner naked or anything! It was completely absurd, so that’s why I thought it was a funny JOKE!

I come from a very open family. Not grotesquely open…we don’t discuss things that are private between marrieds…but we still have fun and joke about pretty much anything and everything! I’m not used to finding myself being the only one laughing at a joke at the dinner table.

Now, I admit, the joke was probably a little inappropriate, my bad.

I actually am glad that I come from an open family however. If there is ever a problem, it is usually discussed and sorted out! (more often than not anyway) My sister, beautiful Kate, is even more strong-headed than I (in my opinion ;)) and we usually have disagreements, but neither of us is too scared to pick up the phone, have it out with each other, apologise and then make up :)
I’m glad we can get things out in the open, though sometimes it can be a painful process, it is always better in the long run. I’m not saying our family is perfect in any way, but I’m glad that 8/10 times things get sorted and people are open and honest with each other.

I’m not having a go at my in-laws here either! They are beautiful people and a beautiful family, they are just different and do things different – which is fine!! (except when they are not laughing at my jokes!)

I guess I’m just becoming more aware of it as my girls grow. What sort of family do we want to be? Well, I hope we can always be open and honest with each other, but also know when to hold our tongue ;)

Ava's Birth story

The story of Ava joining us in this world (began much the same way as Eme's if you know what I mean) but is also quite different to Emery's Story.

My due date was August 24th. I found out Christmas Day of 2009. I knew I was pregnant but I wanted to wait till Christmas to do the 'official test' and to tell Russell. While there was the initial excitement that we were going to be having a second child, I was a little upset about the timing as I was about to start my Uni degree in Nursing. The plan there is to eventually become a Midwife funnily enough!

So, the pregnancy didn't really start off on a good foot. I was being selfish I knew. I wanted the best of both worlds. I also didn't want to look like the fruit loop at Uni...huge pregnant belly dragging around books people whispering under their breaths 'teen pregnancy!!' (I look like I’m only about 15 these days!!) But I was determined to get through it (mainly because people said I shouldn't - note to all, if you don't want me to do something don't tell me...I'll try prove you wrong).

So along with a couple of other things this didn't set the pregnancy up to be easy. I was stressed at Uni because of the heavy books, having to park a half hour walk away from classes, getting lost, being stressed at home as Eme would cry every time I went anywhere near close to a computer/book to study, stressed because 'baby brain' was in full swing, while still trying to maintain relationships with those who are close in my life. I wanted to be superwoman. I wanted to be able to do it all and cope as though it was all just a walk in the park. The first time I went to see a Doctor at the hospital for the pregnancy was when I was 30 weeks into the pregnancy and had just sat my final exam at Uni. The midwife was NOT impressed that this was the first I had come to see a Doctor about the pregnancy.

Around 34 weeks into the pregnancy the doctor I was seeing said he was not happy with the baby's size and with the size of my belly. He said I was a few weeks behind what I should be, so a few tests were organised. I went in for a couple of CTG's and had an ultrasound a couple of weeks later. The sonographer said that everything looked fine. So off I headed home. Only to be called an hour later by the sonographer saying that he wasn't happy about the umbilical cord. He said that there was an artery missing and that the baby wasn't getting enough of a blood supply, he had booked an appointment with an Obstetrician for the next morning which I had to attend. What followed in the next couple of weeks was countless appointments being hooked up to CTG machines and ultrasounds. On the 19th of August I had a phone call from my OB saying that she wanted me to come in the next morning for another CTG - she just wasn't happy with the results of all the previous ones. So the next morning was a stressful one. The 20th was my Dad's 50th birthday. My mum had been planning a huge party for him for that night. She had asked my siblings and I to prepare speech's and I needed to pick up some cheeses to bring to the party. My friend had joked earlier that she thought this bub would be born on the 20th just in time for an announcement at my Dad's party (she wasn't far off!!) Anyway, that morning I threw on a jumper (no under top or bra) and some trackies (most comfy thing that far in the pregnancy) and took Russ to work. On the way home I was going to run into the 'Spud Shed' and grab the cheese for the party. In the parking lot of the shop I bumped into a very old friend who I hadn't seen for around 5 years...great timing I thought! Some crazy big woman running around without a bra on!! I was SO embarrassed. I quickly grabbed my cheeses and left! When I got home around 8.30am I received yet another phone call from a midwife saying that I needed to come in ASAP to be induced. She explained that the OB had spent the night tossing and turning and was just not comfortable leaving the baby in any longer. She would be a lot happier if the baby was just born and checked over (not that they can put it back if it's not ready!!)

I'll just make a note here that we hadn't found out the sex of the baby. We didn't find out when we were pregnant with Emery, and we didn't this time round either...that is until the last ultrasound I had at around 38.5 weeks. I was starting to feel a bit depressed about everything and I needed a little 'pick me up'. I asked the sonographer if he could tell me the sex...after he told me I cried for 2 days. But that's another story!!

So, after finding out I needed to go in and be induced I burst into tears. I just wasn't ready for it. I called Russell and cried and he sorted out getting home and leaving work 'stuff' with other people. I called my mum whose first response was "did you tell them it's your fathers birthday and you have his party tonight?" which made me even more upset and I just kept crying. Feeling bad that I would probably miss Dad's special day, and they would be stuck watching Eme when they had so much to plan already. I was mainly upset though because I wasn't ready for my time with just Eme to be over. She had no idea what was about to happen, I didn't want to lose the special bond I had with her.

Most of the pregnancy I felt that this baby was going to intrude on my relationship with Eme, and I resented it a bit. I was quickly trying to say goodbye to her and she didn't understand why I was so upset. I dropped her at mum and dad's place where I realised that mum was just in shock as was I and so didn't react in the best way. Her, Dad, and my Grandma prayed for us before we headed off to the hospital which was comforting.

After getting to the hospital and lead into the delivery room, I was just so anxious. This was nothing like Eme's birth. I wasn't mentally prepared for this. My body hadn't gone into its own labour, I was being interrupted with medicine and I just hadn't had the time to mentally prepare for the birth. When you first go into labour you have time...which I think God created that way so that you can mentally prepare for what is about to come!

They checked my cervix and decided that because it wasn't ready they would need to apply a hormone gel. After being there a few hours it wasn't until 1pm that the gel got applied. But my goodness, as soon as it was applied I could feel my back start to ache and slight contractions start. By 2.30pm I was having full blown contractions 1 minute long and a minute apart. In my mind I thought, great I'm nearly done! This baby will be here any minute. My midwife came along and hooked me up to the CTG machine which I had to stay attached to so they could monitor the baby and make sure she didn't get stressed. I also had to be attached to a drip again as I did with Eme due to Strep B. My midwife checked to see how my body was going and proceeded to inform me that my body wasn't in labour. Uh....excuse me?? What do you mean I'm not in labour?? She then said that the gel just gives you the pain of labour in the hopes that your body will go into labour on its own...so start dilating etc. She said I was just having pain from the gel and that my cervix had not dilated AT ALL!! This was NOT what I wanted to be hearing! This was around 4pm. She went and got me some sandwiches and some drinks, but I was not interested in food at all.

Russell had bought some magazines earlier in the day, and since I wasn't really in the mood for a 'chat' so he sat in a chair next to the bed and had a read.

Before I was induced I had told the midwife that I wanted an epidural - I just wasn't mentally prepared for the birth. I had just had a phone call in the morning and that was all the preparation I had!! (other than the previous 9 months hehehe)

When you naturally go into labour I believe God created it to be a slow (ish) long (ish) process so that you can mentally prepare for what is about to happen, but once medicine intervenes and you're straight into labour, there is not prep you can do...you just have to go with it. I'm all for natural births (and I didn't REALLY want an epidural) but I just didn't feel like I could do this on my own. I was bound by fear.

So, while in labour (my body pretending to be anyway) I kept telling the midwife that I really needed that epidural NOW. She kept telling me that she couldn't give it to me because I wasn't in established labour, and that until I was 4cm dilated I couldn't have it. I kept telling her that it must be illegal to put someone into this kind of pain and not give them pain relief. That I couldn't do it. I had a breakdown really. I cried and she was really really good with me. I kept telling her that I wouldn't forget and every time she walked into the room I told her that I NEEDED that epidural. She would laugh with Russ (when I wasn't looking so I was told later) and Russell was really supportive and comforting.

At 6.15pm she came in to check if I had dilated at all and discovered that I hadn't. She had spoken to my OB about stopping the labour and re-starting a little later but the OB had said no. I was devastated. I didn't want to have to re-start, but this was just getting silly with no dilation!
I had been having 1min long contractions with 1min breaks in between for the last 3 or 4 hours and was at my wits end. Around 6.15pm they started to hit me with 2 consecutive contractions for 1min each (no breaks in between) and then a minute break. So, 2 contractions, 1 break...not a good ratio if you ask me!! The midwife had other patients to check on and had left the room. She didn't think bub would be born till the next morning. She offered to give me a shot of pethadine and a shot of something else that started with 'M'...she said the pethadine would help relax and calm me, and the 'M' shot would make me sleepy and hopefully help me get some sleep. So I agreed and had the shots.

So, the midwife was out of the room and I had Russell sitting next to me reading his magazines. I instantly felt woozy and sleepy. I would ask Russell a question and instantly forget if I had asked it or if I had just imagined asking him, so I would ask him another three times! He had called family to tell them that things would probably not happen till the next morning...my parents were getting ready to head down to dad's big 50th birthday party.

After a while, probably around 6.45pm I felt my waters break and I shuddered. I muttered to Russell that my waters had broken and he nodded and kept reading...thinking that it would still be quite a while off. After about 5mins I started to feel the urge to push. I told Russell that I was pushing, and I swear I have never seen him shoot up and out of a chair so fast! He ran off to find a midwife and left me pushing away on my own!! I was told later that he had trouble finding someone because one of the nurses had gone on dinner break and there was only the one midwife around and she was with consulting with someone else. They both ran back into the room where I was still pushing away, the midwife saying "what are you doing?" "oh my goodness oh my goodness!". Another push and my little girl was born...7.06pm. The midwife had yelled into the hallway for someone else to come help and they honestly only just made it in time. I was saying over and over again "my baby, my Ava, my baby" I just held her and was completely in love. Because I had only just had the shots I was still as drowsy as ever and was having so much trouble keeping my eyes open I just wanted to sleep!!

So I cuddled Ava and every now and then would close my eyes for a little sleep :)

Sure enough she was born just in time for Dad’s party which started at 7pm! I missed going to Dad’s party and celebrating with him, but I will at least get to celebrate his 51st with him!! I now have my first daughter born on her great-great-grandfathers 100th birthday, and my second daughter born on her grandfathers 50th birthday!! Which is pretty special.

While the birth of Ava didn’t really go to plan (the plan was originally a water birth in my own time) she still arrived in her (and God’s) timing and she is still healthy and beautiful. I am so blessed to have experienced child birth twice now! They have been the BEST experiences of my life! Though labour and child birth is pretty hard and mentally tough, it is something so special, it’s hard to describe.

I love BOTH my daughters. My gems….the cherries on top of my sundaes (the best part!). They are such blessings and I am so blessed to have both of them.

Xxx I love you my specious and bloss xxx

Tsk

Tsk tsk tsk

It has been far too long!

I haven't been able to blog properly because we don't have an operating computer OR laptop at home at the moment... and we can only do so much on Russ' iPhone so my poor blog is suffering to say the least.

Recently I've been lying awake in bed at 2.30am thinking of brilliant blog posts (if I may say so myself) but I haven't been able to write them. Russ suggested I write them in a notebook...but I can't handwrite as fast as I think so there's no point. I could jot notes I guess, but it's not the same as when the words flow and you can quickly type them down.

I have started writing Ava's birth story....

actually I don't think I even got to announce her birth on here!!!

Ava Kate Aimee was born to us on the 20th of August 2010 and all is fine and well. She celebrates 6 months of life in about 2/3 days!! It has gone crazy fast!!

More info will come once I get her story finished and posted up here though!

We will hopefully get the internet connected up at home soonish and the computer operating so I will definately endeavour to write more posts hehehe

I'll just finish this quick post with a quote by Katharine Hepburn

"If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun"