Stripping to retrieve my Dignity

Isn’t it funny how we clothe ourselves in the words others have spoken?
Someone can say a small sentence to me and I will carry it for years.

Age 7 “She isn’t even wearing a real leotard”

Age 17 “You will never get a boyfriend, let alone a husband!”

Age 24 “I never took you for the mothering type”

It has occurred to me that over the years I have carried these words with me, and they have dictated certain things I do or say. I’ve clothed myself (self-image and confidence) and gone about my daily activities carrying these words, usually without even realising how they determine my reactions, words, and thoughts.

I may be struggling with the girls one day and suddenly the words will pop up in my mind “well, you know, you don’t really have it in you to be a mum…that’s why this is so difficult – that’s why today is so hard!”.

Why is it that we (I’m assuming I’m not the only one who does this!) mull over these words so much? Why do we carry these for years and let them dictate what we do?

I’ve just realised – in my ripe old age of 27 – that I have allowed these people and their opinions to shape me, rather than the opinion of the One who really counts, to shape me.

I’m pretty certain that God doesn’t think I’m a terrible mum. I’m pretty certain he had Russell in mind for me. And I’m also pretty certain that he doesn’t care how I look on the outside. He is the one who created me – even all the little quirky bits he treasures.

But why can I not start my day off dressing in the grace, love, compassion and confidence He gives?

I find it really hard to not care about what others think. In fact, I only care about what other people think and often I do things to please others rather than look after myself. I can be a bit of a push over – in certain aspects anyway! I often bust my butt to keep someone else happy, but end up putting myself out and piling to my stress pile.

I constantly worry over my words, whether I’m saying the right thing, whether I’m being understood/misunderstood, whether people are just being nice to my face and behind my back whispering “what crack is she on?” A side note here: A vast majority of my dreams involve my mouth being full of gum or my lips and tongue are swollen and I can’t speak or get my words out…they are VERY frustrating dreams!

And all of this worrying is starting to wear me down. I’m tired of doubting my parenting abilities. Tired of doubting whether Russ feels like he got ‘stuck’ with me (he assures me he doesn’t feel this way!) I’m tired of doubting whether I look appropriate or if I’m saying the right things.
So, this week I’m going to strip. I’m going to strip the labels and opinions other people have of me, in the attempt of God re-dressing me. God knows I need it! It’s going to be a massive journey and a bumpy one at that, but I can feel God tugging at me saying “c’mon now, you KNOW I’ve got better plans for you”.

I don’t want to live my life in fear, in fear of doing the wrong thing. I don’t want to live my life under the labels, opinions, and off-handed comments others make of me.

I want to live the life God has planned for me. I want to live that life in the body and mind that he created for me. Quirky bits and all!