Strange peace

I am feeling as though I am not coming across very compassionate or not very caring.

I went back to work on Wed. this week and I am consumed with guilt because I haven’t cried. Everyone on the floor thought I would be bursting into tears every 30mins and don’t really think that I am upset about our loss at all. I’m starting to get a little stressed over it.

Now, I’m not a crier. I don’t like to cry. I very rarely (if ever) cry or have cried in front of Russell. But last week I cried all day Fri. and that’s all I allowed myself. I don’t want to be a blubbering mess making people feel they have to walk on eggshells around me. I don’t want to let what happened consume me beyond what it should. I don’t want to get overly stressed and overly upset, I just want to allow myself to move on. Everyone at work and friends probably don’t think that I was that upset about what happens, and that stresses me! Am I too calm or happy? Should I still be bursting into tears all day?

It’s weird though, I have a strange peace about it all. 6 months ago I would have blamed God and I honestly don’t know where my faith would be, but it seems that this has drawn me closer to God and I am trusting him (trying to anyway) more than I have about anything else I have before. I think that is the only good thing that I can take out of this whole situation. The fact that God used it to draw me closer to him and to cling to him instead of my own strengths.

But I can’t shake the feeling that I am coming off as insensitive, uncaring, not really hurt by any of it, to people. I hurt like crazy! I am soooo upset that we had to go through something like this, just in order to be closer to God…surely he could’ve come up with a better way?!? I still question myself and I still have doubts creep in every now and then, and I still grieve ‘Baby Ingram’ (as our dodgy small group leaders have so dubbed it). I don’t know when it will hurt less, but I know that my life isn’t over just yet, there is more to come, (hopefully) God isn’t done with me yet!

It is so hard to trust God when you can’t see past the end of the week. It is hard to trust that he knows what is best for us. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I am trying (for the first time) to place my pain, my tears, my sorrow, my doubts, my questions, my all, into God’s hands, and see where he takes me.