I thought I was doing so well and all it took was one small trip back to the hospital this morning, and I come crumbling back down to reality.
I had to go and get my final blood test done this morning to make sure that I have nothing hanging around in my system.
I knew what the result would be, but I guess I was hoping for a miracle.
The finality of it all really hit this morning, and I am finding that all the doubts are creeping back in. So many “what ifs” and “Should I have…?” or “if only…” come back to take up residence in my mind space.
It was horrible to sit in the waiting room with 10 women with swollen bellies sitting around me and I am just sitting there, flat tummy, and no more sore boobs. I miss my sore boobs…weird I know.
They all have their babies and the harsh reality that mine is gone hits once again.
I’m back at work and trying to regain the focus I had last week, but I feel as though I am slowly losing my grip and I'm losing all resolve that things will be ok.
I’m sorry for being so fake…I truly thought I had overcome this, but I am not as strong as you all think. I’m sorry to be a disappointment. I’m sorry.
21.1.08
Reality bites (and sucks)
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5 comments:
no need to be sorry to us Bek! None at all.
Its not about strength here, I'd be more concerned for you if you just went back to normal straight away. its a big ordeal, let yourself feel that, you dont disappoint us!
Thoughts and prayers:)
I was so glad to find your blog, because I'm going through exactly the same thing now! I've been to hospital, know the inevitable now, and am now just waiting for everything to come out. I'm having increasingly painful cramping and I'm missing my sore breasts too (the only symptom I had).
My thoughts are with you and you're not alone!
WOW! That is insane!!
It is good to know I'm (and your) not the only one going through something.
I have so many questions, but I will wait till your ready.
Feel free to drop me an email if you like.
Hope your going ok (as well as you can anyway).
Oh, and thanks James...but I honestly do feel like a disappointment. So many people have said "wow your so strong...blah blah blah" and now I just feel like an absolute fake and failure.
Anywho...are you in margaret river yet?
not yet, I leave on Feb 4th. Will be having a going away party on Friday night the 1st of Feb if you feel up to it and want to say goodbye:)
Although I said your not a disappointment, I also always say ';et yourself feel how you feel', cause you can't fake yourself out. So if thats how you feel, then feel it, I think that helps people get over things is ACTUALLY letting themselves feel how they do! Anyway, I'll stop preaching, its not what I mean to be doing:D
Margs is exciting but scary too. But it will be a real adventure! You guys will have to come down and visit me sometime;)
Hows the retic going?
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