Like Sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek #6

I think this will quite possibly be the hardest post I have ever had to write. It’s always hard to share the things that hurt the most and that always seem to find a way to come back and haunt you just when you think you’ve dealt with them.

For years I’ve thought I should put my thoughts down on paper but never have, and we are now at that stage where I think I need to.

I’ve been writing a bit about me and my upbringing in an attempt for at least ONE person be able to ‘get’ me. The series is all under the label ‘Days of Bek’. I always feel that I am misjudged, misunderstood, that I have no credibility in certain topics, and that I am just plain odd. I don’t know if any of this series has done anything to better clear things up or if I’m just pushing people further and further away. But, I have to keep going, I need to finish it…not that this is the last post either :)

The first couple of years after I left school were really tough. Some people may say high school was their toughest years, but mine were the years after.

I grew up a bit of a loner. I enjoyed being on my own (still do) and am not fussed if I have people around me constantly. Russell is the one who really organises our social life as I would rather sit at home on my own doing…whatever. I can be very independent and have never had a real close friendship with a girl – like a best friend kind of thing. I never went home after school and spend all night on the phone to friends. I just sat in my room and read or went into my own imaginary world outside. I played ‘barbies’ with my sister when I was in Year 11 because I loved the world of make-believe. That soon stopped after she decided to tell all my friends at school. Ggrrrr…

I still don’t have any friendships where I can completely open up with anyone. I have certain topic friends. Eg. One I chat to about marriage, one for work, one for church, etc. I don’t have that one person (other than Russell) that knows everything about me. Girls need a friend that knows everything and I often get jealous of girls that have been friends for 10+ years and do everything together. I don’t have anyone that I can call at 1am when my world is falling apart and no-one to call me when theirs is. I sort of miss having that, but know I have Russell, but who do I talk to when my issue is with Russell?? I know I know, I should go to him about it, but sometimes you need someone to give you a little clarity.

Growing up in the church with your dad as the pastor is pretty rough. It has its good points, and I would never change my life or family orientation. But it was rough. When I got to the young adult section for youth I started going to a youth group which the youth pastor lead. You know the whole rule of “what’s said in the group, stays in the group”? Yeah, well… apparently that didn’t apply to me (it never had during my younger years, so why did I expect it now? hmmm…maybe I expected a little maturity). I thought I had found a group where I was able to express myself and my thoughts, my struggles, and my joys. However, some of the things that I expressed where then expressed to my dad. I couldn’t say anything and couldn’t trust anyone. I then went from group to group as I had at youth group growing up. It’s not nice to feel like the one that was left out of confidentiality agreements and that I was different simply because of who my dad was/is. I started to realise how much I was being left out on. I was never invited out to supper after church and didn’t have any friends that I could go to parties with.

I was lonely.

There I said it…the biggest thing that I had to deal with when I was in my teen years was loneliness.

You may not think it is that big a deal, but it’s something that still plagues me today. I went to the movies with Russell a few months ago and I couldn’t concentrate on the movie because there was a guy sitting in the cinema on his own. I actually cried because my heart was breaking. I didn’t know his situation…he may like to go to the movies on his own…but I knew what it felt like to go to events on your own and feel like the biggest loser because you don’t have any friends, no one to look out for you.

The day that this all came to a head for me was the year I went to ‘Church Together’ on my own. Everyone at youth was going and had all organised lifts with each other, except me. I wasn’t even asked by my small group. It didn’t bother me driving myself to church together on my own, but once I got there I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. I realised that I didn’t have anyone to sit with, I didn’t have anyone to talk to or anything. This was Church Together for goodness sakes and I was there on my own. After enduring the service I headed back to my car and decided to drop by Macca’s on the way home and get a cheeseburger (my favie). As I was sitting in the drive through I looked inside the store and saw my small group sitting together having dinner together, laughing and being merry. Here I was eating on my own, in my car, on my way home…by myself…left out again. I say again because growing up at church I would watch the girls stand in the foyer making plans to go over each others house for the day and would never get invited. I was always left out. I would be standing within 60cms of one girl inviting everyone except me and she would just ignore me. They have apologised to me now, but it still hurts. I cried all the way home that night. I felt like an idiot, thinking I had friends. There was nothing special about me and there was no-one in the world who wanted to get to know me.

Now, the last thing I want is for people to think this is a big pity party. I don’t think I have over-exaggerated on anything and I think that my feelings are completely valid. Every story I have shared has been true and I haven’t tried to exaggerate things to get my point across. This is really hard to share these things and its really embarrassing sitting at work crying and keep having to run off to the toilets. Just wanted to set things straight.

Here are a few of things that I was doing that made me realise years later that I was actually really lonely. At the time I didn’t think I was, I just thought that people didn’t like me (they probably didn’t but its nice to think people generally like you).
One of the things I would do…..ugh this is really embarrassing…..I would drive around to where I knew people were having supper and I would sit outside in my car, wishing someone had invited me. I would sit for maybe an hour and then head home. I would lie to mum and dad and say that I had been invited to supper after church and would see them when I got home. No, I would see the youth invited and everyone ‘looking out for their friends’ and inviting them, but because I didn’t have any, I wouldn’t be invited. I just heard them all talking about it and would just drive around to see how much fun they were having.
Another thing I would do…and I had done this for years without realising…was walk around the church as though I was looking for someone. This didn’t hit home till I was talking to my Granny last year and she was saying how lonely she gets sometimes (people avoid her because she’s the pastors mother-in-law – AHHH!!) and that she walks around church looking for someone to talk to. I realised that I used to do that too. After sitting in the foyer with my so called friends and hearing them inviting each other around to their houses I would get up and start to walk around looking for someone to talk to. I would pretend (unintentionally) that I was trying to find a certain person that I needed to speak to. I never found that person (‘cos I didn’t know who it was – ‘duh) and by the time I had done a few laps of the church it was time to go home. It makes me laugh a little at how silly it is, but if you have ever done this you know how much it hurts.

I am still very insecure today. I think why I had such a huge reaction to Scott at the Forge Intensive was because I was reliving the fact that I didn’t think I was important enough to be spoken to and I felt lonely and wanted to be swallowed up by the floor. I can’t go to a movie and enjoy myself if I see someone sitting on their own I just get too upset and can’t stop worrying about them. I try extra hard to be nice and friendly and show an interest in those who I see as lonely. There is a lady at my work who is an extremely lonely, bitter woman. I try so hard to be nice to her and I can slowly see her opening up to me. I just don’t want her to feel as left out and as stupid as I did and still do sometimes. It’s funny how things always come back to you. Just when I think I am over my insecurity of being lonely, it hits me in the face again. At my current church we did a ministry personality test thing. I was the ONLY PERSON to have a certain mix. I am an INTP and I was the only person in the church to have a NT. This made me feel even more detached and isolated than I already was. If you want to read about an INTP or whatever look here. It's scary how exact they can be. They have an explanation for all different scenarios down the bottom.

I know I’m not the easiest person to get to know. Poor Hamo at the Intensive was trying to chat to me and I kept giving him one word answers. I get really shy and clam up. That’s the trouble I think. Either I clam up and don’t give people much to go on, or I get verbal diarrhoea and can’t stop talking about all my problems (stemming from having no close friends to do this to I think). I wish people would invite me out for a coffee sometimes and take the time to get to know me as I always try and put the effort in with other people.

I don’t know if God allowed me to go through this so that I would be able to understand other lonely people or not. I just know that it is still something that I struggle with and is a part of me that I don’t tell anyone. I think I’ve only ever told this to Russell before. So, obviously the next step was the wonderful world wide web :)

Anyway…that’s just another little part about me, and I’m glad that I have finally been able to put it down on paper.