Avoid the Top Reason for Marriage Failure

By Rob Furlong
Challenge Newspaper July 2009

It was rather sad to read recently about the collapse of the celebrity marriage of Aussie singer, Peter Andre. Andre and his wife Katie Price were married after falling in love on a reality TV show called “I’m a celebrity…get me out of here!”

Over the course of their three and a half years marriage they have gained notoriety for their heated arguments that have been screened on yet another reality show. The couple has gone from a literal Cinderella style wedding to a separation that has become very nasty and hurtful and played out in full view of the public.

It seems to me that there is always a common thread running through the collapse of celebrity marriages: selfishness! Celebrities are involved in an industry that caters to their every whim and desire, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. The entertainment industry feeds that most basic of human weaknesses, self-centredness as well as fostering and promoting it. So when you have two people involved in an industry like that you can expect a lot of selfishness to come out in their marriage relationship. No wonder celebrity marriages implode so often!

But here is an interesting thought — we are no different in our relationships! It has been my experience that the number one reason behind the collapse of a marriage is plain, old fashioned selfishness.

Why won’t a husband pick up the tea towel for his wife and dry the dishes for her? Selfishness!

Why does a wife disregard her husband’s wishes and still
buys her “must have” new dress or shoes? Selfishness!

Why do two people refuse to listen to each other but still
expect the other person to listen to them? Selfishness!

Why does a husband or wife seek to find comfort in the arms of another lover? Selfishness!

Whether you are a celebrity or not you are still infected by the terrible disease of selfishness. And when selfishness goes unchecked in a marriage it usually spells out death for the relationship. Our tendency toward selfishness is clearly in mind in the following quote from a marriage counsellor:

“Marriage is not so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person.”

As simple as that statement is, it has enormous consequences for you if you decide to put it into practice because it forces you to stop focusing on yourself and to begin focusing on the other person, which is the essence of true love.

I find this kind of wisdom about relationships in the Bible, especially the Proverbs. Here are just two for you to think about:
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.”

Excellent here refers to a virtuous woman — a woman of tremendous class and quality. A woman who is proud of her husband; one who shows him respect and is unashamed to do so. Such a woman has the highest place in man’s life — she crowns it! But a woman who openly despises her husband and is constantly critical of him and his decisions is like an infectious disease. Simply put, a woman can make or break her man. If she is going to “make” him, then she will need to be unselfish.

And husbands are also told “to rejoice in the wife of your youth”. In other words, instead of moaning and complaining about what she does and does not do, remember why you married her in the first place and keep on encouraging those good things in her today. How easy it is for us men to forget all the good things about our wives and only focus on the negatives that we see.

If we want to change our relationship for the better then we must stop focusing on ourselves and begin asking ourselves how we can better serve our partner — this is called unselfishness and it has the power to transform both you and the other person.

Isn’t it time you picked up a tea towel?

Name Calling

I (we) have a few names we call Emery.

Eme

Eme-joy

Eme-joy joy joy

Ssspecious girl

Sweet Cheeks

Bubba

Bub-o-luv

(this one is from her Grammy) Myjy (pronouned midgy)

Ssspecious girl came from me one night. I was trying to tell her she was special to me and a precious girl and I accidentally said ssspecious. It's stuck ever since!

And myjy is my mums name for her. It stands for My Joy

I don't know if I ever went through the names we gave to Eme.

Emery was a suggestion from Russell. It was the name of one of our bands we enjoyed and we thought it quite a pretty name for a girl.

Joy is my middle name and I wanted to pass it onto Eme as it holds quite a bit of meaning in our family. My mum had 3 miscarriages before she had me, and when I was born I was such a 'joy' to her and dad. After I had my miscarriage I decided that if we ever had a girl, her middle name would be Joy also. Considering my mum thought she would never have children, let alone grandchildren...I thought it would be a nice reminder of God's grace and faithfulness.

Kade (her 2nd middle name) is a combination of my mum & mum-in-laws names. KAren & DEnise. I thought I had invented a name, then found out it's actually a real name (for boys)

So, there you have it. What's behind a name...

Who has an interesting story about their name or their children's names?

Domestic B!t@h

Dropping my husband off at work the other morning, I notice that a mum dropping off her kids at school was driving a huge 4wd with a sticker on the back window...it said "Domestic Bitch". Strange I thought...

The next day I see a young girl driving down the freeway with a sticker on her back window saying "Queen of Bitches". Strange again....I thought....

That was until I saw someone else with a number plate that said "beyooootch" (or however it is that you spell it!)

This is when I started to wonder if I was possibly missing a few screws up top. Am I missing something? Did I miss the memo that came out saying that it's now cool to call / refer to yourself as a bitch?

I personally think of the word/name as a really sharp word! I think it is a really 'cutting' word and not one that I would ever want to use to describe myself. Yet, so many women, young and old, are starting to refer to themselves in this way.

As I said, I may be missing a few screws/nuts/bolts...but I honestly don't understand this new 'fad'.

A tranquil life from just $240k ???

There is a certain road that Russ and I drive down regularly and the above is on a billboard next to a new estate that is slowly rising.



Every time I see the sign I can't help but smile at myself. What a joke! If all it cost me was a measly little $240k to have a tranquil life I would start saving.



But, we all know that there is no price tag on having a tranquil life. A new house with new furniture and beautiful neighbors houses is not going to give me a tranquil life. We may have the appearance of being tranquil, but inside may be a different matter. Inside we could be struggling with depression, anxiety (at having such a huge debt), disjointed family relationships, tension in our marriage, children who are crying out for more of us and turning to others/objects for satisfaction.



Just having a new home is not going to give me a great family life, nor will it give me fulfillment in my work or relationships.



Now, I'm not saying that having a new home is wrong. What I'm saying/asking, is what is the intent behind having a new home? Is it because we believe that it will restore broken family relationships? That it will remove some of the tension in our marriage?

A tranquil life doesn't have a price tag. And the sooner we stop listening to the lies we are force fed everyday, the sooner we will be able to move down the path of having a truly tranquil life.

Every Mother's A Working Mother

Written by Barbara Curtis

It was the kind of splendid September day when sending kids to school just feels wrong. Fortunately, that year I was homeschooling and calling the shots. Plus we were living in California, an hour from the Pacific Ocean. For all I knew, it could be the last day of summer, and we wouldn’t want to miss that. So it was off to the ocean with five children under eight – Josh, Matt, Ben, Zach, and Sophia.
Together, we cleaned up from breakfast, prepped the car, then gathered beach blankets, umbrella, towels, swimsuits, diapers, sunglasses, sand toys, first aid kit, sunscreen, a cooler full of snacks and drinks – ay yi yi yi yi! Hello, motherhood – goodbye spontaneity.
I loaded the assorted car seats and strapped, snapped, and buckled five wiggling bodies into Big Blue – the 1989 Suburban we grew out of only a few years later. And we were on our way.
With everyone else in school, the whole beach was ours. I staked out our territory close to the water, hauled everything down from the car, and set up camp. For five hours I served as personal valet, sunscreen slatherer, weather advisor, recreation director, swim instructor, lifeguard, EMT, food concessionaire, manners consultant, bus boy, interpreter, peace negotiator, psychologist – not to mention lost-and-found.
Finally, I hauled everything back to the car, strapped, snapped, and buckled five sunscreen-and-sand-coated no-longer-wiggly warm, limp bodies back into Big Blue and headed for home.
The sun through the window was soothing, and the car was full of contentment. It had been a wonderful day and I was pleased with myself as a mother.
Then from the back seat, I heard Zachary clear his throat, and in his deadpan four-year-old Eeyore voice ask, “Mom, when are you going to get a job?”
“This is my job,” I said, somewhat amused and just a little edgy.
But homeward bound, as the kids fell asleep one by one and I was left alone with my thoughts, I began to see the beauty of Zach’s question: somehow – even though it could be hard work and even though I had my testy moments – my kids didn’t think of motherhood as a job.
And I decided that was a good thing – because it’s not really a job at all, but a calling. And callings just don’t look like jobs, because they require more of a person than a job requires.
Which makes it hard for moms whose days are spent conquering mountains of laundry, creating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and kissing owies.
We live in a world where success is measured by progress – as recorded on report cards, sales reports, performance reviews, pay raises. And symbolized by ribbons, trophies, and merit badges. In our lifetimes, our husband and children will bring scores of these items home and make us proud. We’ll put them in scrapbooks, sew them on uniforms, frame and hang them up for all to see.
But I don’t know of any special awards for teaching a child to tie her shoe or come to dinner when he’s called. No raises or praises when a mother drops everything to drive someone out for posterboard: “Your project’s due tomorrow? But it’s almost eight o’clock!”
Every day this goes on: everyday moms doing everyday things – sometimes struggling with feelings of inferiority or even worthlessness – just being obedient to their call.
But while motherhood can look easy – it’s certainly not rocket science, after all – the irony is this: while lots of important people in important places conduct lots of important business every day, the truly most important work in the whole world is really going on at home, where the CEO is mommy.
And God is like an equal opportunity employer, giving every woman in the world – through birth and adoption – this wonderful, unequalled opportunity.
I guess if we got disgruntled enough from lack of appreciation, we could start a Mommy Power movement (the same seeds of discontent that began the feminist movement – only in a direction away from motherhood). We could have bumper stickers that say: If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy
We could sue people who put us down at parties and maybe even get a special mention as a protected minority not to be discriminated against.
But that wouldn’t be very mommy-like, would it? Because there’s something about mommies that should be soft where others are hard, kind where others are cruel, patient where others can’t wait. We may not start out that way at all, but there’s absolutely nothing like motherhood to change anything about us that needs to be changed.
At least, that’s how it’s been on my motherhood journey. I set out to make a home, to grow a family, and to help my children reach their potential.
The most amazing thing is that while I was helping them reach theirs, God was helping me reach mine.
Be sure to hug a mother today!

Quote of the day

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."

- H.G. Wells

Epiphany - Schmiphany

As I stood at a checkout of a well-known surf shop this afternoon I had an epiphany! YES an epiphany :)

I realised that for the majority of my life I have tried to define myself by what I own and how I present myself in society. Instead of putting my time and energy into working on my character and who I am in Christ, I've been trying to keep up appearances...though it wouldn't seem so these days!

As Russ and I wandered through the shops today (a rare occurrence these days) to grab a present for someone, we were talking about how hard it is these days to find and maintain our identity.

You may not believe it, but once upon a time, I had style! Some may not agree, but I put my own stamp on whatever I wore. I had a unique style and it wasn't uncommon to spend most of my weekly pay on maintaining that style, that identity. Now we are in a place where I haven't bought anything new or nice in a VERY long time. Most of what I wear these days are practical...not trendy. And I am finding myself feeling lost. I feel that I have lost a part of me.

When I walked into 'Live' today I just wanted to sink into the floor. They had some jeans on sale which Russ suggested I try on. My current jeans...I somehow managed to break the button. It's sort of there but only half there so I can't put it in the button hole...can't remember how it happened, but I currently have to wear a belt to hold my pants up! So, anyway, Russ wanted me to look at these ridiculously cheap jeans. When I walked in I suddenly became very aware of myself. I'm not wearing anything nice, my hair has regrowth the length of a giraffes neck, no makeup, and remnants of pumpkin spew on my shoulder. They had those horrible lights in the changerooms that show EVERY flaw. I felt like I had no right to shop in such a trendy store. I left feeling even more lost and even more ugly than before.

Anyway...that's not what this post is about. But I guess why I wanted to post was because of my epiphany. I'm tired of chasing the unattainable. I am slowly realising that there is more to this life than what I look like. I want to start living my own life. I want to work on my character, who I am in Christ.

It's easier said than done though. It's easier to say that I will work on developing who I am (at heart) rather than who I appear to be. I wish I could be the 'yummy mummy' that society expects of young mothers these days. I wish we had the money to keep up appearances. Russ could keep getting his music and I could keep my style...my identity, who I, who we are.

I guess it's going to be a long journey. One that I hope I will come out of better off. Knowing who I am and finding my identity in Christ. That no matter what I wear, what sort of house we live in, what my children wear (as long as it's something) that He accepts us as we are. That He loves me and that I can be worth more than the clothes on my back.

So, I don't know what I've come to after all that. It is really late and I should be in bed, but I'm watching the 'living with Michael Jackson' and I must admit I'm a little hooked...talk about an identity crisis!!

4 years on...

It would seem my husband beat me to posting anything today!!

www.mybeautifulbek.blogspot.com

My precious Niece Kajah Jade (pron Kya)

Having a cuddle with my favourite niece :)

Look at all her hair!!

Eme starting to get a little jealous...no joke...she chucked a huge hissy fit just after this photo!!

How handsome is he??!! VERY!!

Trying to capture all her hair in the photo...though I missed about 3/4's of it!! There's SO much

Cute as a button!

I'm an Auntie again!!!

Welcome to the world little Kajah Jade :)
Born 11.30pm 5th of June weighing in at 7lb 14oz (Emery still holds the title for biggest bub in this family - go Eme!)

She has jet black hair like her mumma and Kate looks as though she just went for a walk through the park! Even though it was roughly 2days she labored for! Ah, the gift of the young!

Anyway...I'm off to buy ribbons and bows and all things PINK then I shall be visiting our precious petal this afternoon.

Looks like both Sarah and I were wrong!! However, I did guess girl :) I at least got that right!

Adios!