Avoid the Top Reason for Marriage Failure

By Rob Furlong
Challenge Newspaper July 2009

It was rather sad to read recently about the collapse of the celebrity marriage of Aussie singer, Peter Andre. Andre and his wife Katie Price were married after falling in love on a reality TV show called “I’m a celebrity…get me out of here!”

Over the course of their three and a half years marriage they have gained notoriety for their heated arguments that have been screened on yet another reality show. The couple has gone from a literal Cinderella style wedding to a separation that has become very nasty and hurtful and played out in full view of the public.

It seems to me that there is always a common thread running through the collapse of celebrity marriages: selfishness! Celebrities are involved in an industry that caters to their every whim and desire, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. The entertainment industry feeds that most basic of human weaknesses, self-centredness as well as fostering and promoting it. So when you have two people involved in an industry like that you can expect a lot of selfishness to come out in their marriage relationship. No wonder celebrity marriages implode so often!

But here is an interesting thought — we are no different in our relationships! It has been my experience that the number one reason behind the collapse of a marriage is plain, old fashioned selfishness.

Why won’t a husband pick up the tea towel for his wife and dry the dishes for her? Selfishness!

Why does a wife disregard her husband’s wishes and still
buys her “must have” new dress or shoes? Selfishness!

Why do two people refuse to listen to each other but still
expect the other person to listen to them? Selfishness!

Why does a husband or wife seek to find comfort in the arms of another lover? Selfishness!

Whether you are a celebrity or not you are still infected by the terrible disease of selfishness. And when selfishness goes unchecked in a marriage it usually spells out death for the relationship. Our tendency toward selfishness is clearly in mind in the following quote from a marriage counsellor:

“Marriage is not so much about finding the right person as it is about being the right person.”

As simple as that statement is, it has enormous consequences for you if you decide to put it into practice because it forces you to stop focusing on yourself and to begin focusing on the other person, which is the essence of true love.

I find this kind of wisdom about relationships in the Bible, especially the Proverbs. Here are just two for you to think about:
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rottenness in his bones.”

Excellent here refers to a virtuous woman — a woman of tremendous class and quality. A woman who is proud of her husband; one who shows him respect and is unashamed to do so. Such a woman has the highest place in man’s life — she crowns it! But a woman who openly despises her husband and is constantly critical of him and his decisions is like an infectious disease. Simply put, a woman can make or break her man. If she is going to “make” him, then she will need to be unselfish.

And husbands are also told “to rejoice in the wife of your youth”. In other words, instead of moaning and complaining about what she does and does not do, remember why you married her in the first place and keep on encouraging those good things in her today. How easy it is for us men to forget all the good things about our wives and only focus on the negatives that we see.

If we want to change our relationship for the better then we must stop focusing on ourselves and begin asking ourselves how we can better serve our partner — this is called unselfishness and it has the power to transform both you and the other person.

Isn’t it time you picked up a tea towel?