A towel hanging on the tips of my fingers

I

have

had it.
(very Rob Bell like I know)

I don’t know how many times Ive said it regarding church, but Ive had it. I am so close to throwing in the towel that its just not funny anymore.

I wish I could just up and leave and never come back.

I say ‘wish’ because I don’t have the guts to just chuck it in. As many of you know, Russell and I are currently going through the process of whether we stay at our current church or not, and I don’t want my own feelings dictate what happens. God may very well still want me where we are currently, and Im afraid to admit it, but if that’s true, then he wont get much outta me. I have NO long term investment in this place and I couldn’t care less about what happens there anymore.

Im sick of putting myself out on a limb and nothing happening. Im sick of peoples stagnant ways and peoples complacency. Im tired of feeling unwanted, unused, and boxed in.

But heres where I get caught. No matter where I go, I think the same things will frustrate me. There will always be problems and will always be frustrations. I just want to be apart of somewhere that is moving. That no matter the personal issues, things are happening and people are getting out into the community, getting into missions, doing things.

This has been really hard to write, and Ive been tossing and turning all night and don’t think Ive expressed myself adequately. So…if your going to comment, please keep that in mind.
So, now Im once again back to this point where I don’t know what to do and Im ready to throw in the towel and say "You’ve won. You have successfully squashed me into the position you’ve wanted me in for a long time. You win."