By Rob Furlong
Challenge Newspaper ed. 302 April 2008
Have you heard the story of the young boy with a rare blood disease who required a blood transfusion to live?
Examinations were conducted on the family and it came to light that the boy’s younger brother could be the donor of the life saving blood. The boy was asked if he was prepared to help his brother, he agreed and so the procedure went ahead on the scheduled day.
When the transfusion was completed , the young boy who donated the blood looked up at the doctor with a resolute expression on his face and asked, “Is this when I die now?” He quite literally thought that this would cost him his life, yet despite his fear, he was prepared to sacrifice himself for his brother.
Such courage and sacrifice is rare indeed. We see it in war time when young men and women lay down their lives for the protection and defence of their country. We see it in people who sacrificially give of their time and possessions in the service of others. And we see it in marriages…or at least we should do.
I am convinced that the number on reason why marriages often fail is because of selfishness. One partner (and sometimes both) is not prepared to give up some of their wants and needs in order to help meet their partner’s needs. Sometimes it has not even occurred to them that the other person actually has any needs!
When I prepare a couple for marriage and we come to the part about the wedding ceremony, most often they request that 1 Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter of the Bible, be read. It is a wonderful piece of writing, but I think they are sometimes confused about the meaning of it. It really is telling us that love is sacrificial; that it is more intent on meeting the needs of others and putting them first rather than a romantic treatise extolling the virtues of love. In case you are not familiar with it, or have forgotten it, this is what it says:
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head.
Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first”
Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love gives. Love looks for the best. Love doesn’t hold grudges. In short, love sacrifices.
If you take those words seriously and apply them to your marriage then it will mean this: when all you can see is each other’s faults, your love for each other will choose to find the good in your partner; when you come home tired from work your love will give your wife some time out…because she has had a rough day as well; and when you argue, your love for each will choose to forgive.
Love is about sacrifice…it’s time we practised it’s true meaning.
11.4.08
A Sacrifice of Love
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13 comments:
amen
I feel a little uneasy with the statement "love is about sacrifice".
Love can involve sacrifice but I don't believe that's what it's "about". True love for others I feel needs to be grounded in love for ones self.
In my experience, when you love and are comfortable with yourself, you cannot help but be more understanding and compassionate towards others. You cannot help but want to be loving to those around you. If someone says something hurtful or rude, you can see that it probably stems from an issue they are carrying, rather than taking it personally and retaliating because you are hurt. That isn't sacrificing yourself in my opinion. It's being less self centered and egotistical. Sacrificing means to forfeit something. This I think is counter to the concept (or spirit) of love.
For example....
If you help someone and have to sacrifice your time, energy, money, whatever, is that helping out of love?
Rather, when you truly love someone and care for them, any time or energy it takes to help them is less a "sacrifice" and more an investment.
That's my 2 bobs worth. I simply feel it's dangerous to say love is about sacrifice, especially in the context of marriage. If marriage needs love, and love is about sacrifice, why would anyone get married?
What would you call the love that Christ showed us on the cross?
I would say that was pretty sacrificial? Aren't we supposed to model Christ's love in all of our lives? Not JUST marriage, but in all aspects? I would say it is a sacrificial love.
Love is a powerful thing...it is much more than an 'investment'.
Saying that you are 'making an investment' takes away from the power of love. It is much more powerful than investing 'things' but it is giving up EVERYTHING...even your life sometimes.
Christs love definately had an element of "sacrifice". He is a little bit of a special case though. He is the son of God and one of his purposes was to be a sacrifice for humanities sins. That is not really something we can aspire to (but I do agree we should try to love like Jesus).
I also agree that love is much more than an investment. However what I was trying to get at was that living true love is one of the most beneficial things people can pratice. Practicing true love is a benefit to the person who is loving. So I don't really see it as a sacrifice.
It's a little bit like practicing selfishness and hate hurts the person practicing it. This may seem counter intuitive. But I see it that:
*love benefits the lover
*hate hurts the hater
Hence love is an investment in oneself and hatred is a sacrifice of oneself.
I disagree that saying you are making an investment takes away from the power of love. The power of love comes from investing in it. For example the power of mother Teresas or Gandhi's love come from the amount of time they invested in loving. And they got alot from it too.
This is a little excerpt from Gandhi
"The sacrifice which causes sorrow to the doer of the sacrifice is no sacrifice. Real sacrifice lightens the mind of the doer and gives him a sense of peace and joy. The Buddha gave up the pleasures of life because they had become painful to him."
I would go one step further and say "real sacrifice is no sacrifice at all".
I understand the point of the passage. And I have to agree with its sentiment. It's really only the terminology I'm having issues with.
A matter of semantics.
I personally prefer say "loving compromise" over sacrifice.
You say potato I say potatoh. :)
Why are we quoting Gandhi and talking about Buddha? Although Gandhi is admirable I would much rather quote the bible. What happens with the whole "offer yourselves as living sacrifices"? (romans 12) Do you honestly reckon giving his own son up for our sorry asses gave God joy? (See above quote) I think because we are human our sacrifice DOES mean that it won't be pleasant otherwise it wouldn't be a sacrifice at all. Sacrifices cost things. If being a living sacrifice to God is how we show we love him wouldn't that then transpire to others. Using the term investment often means that you expect getting something out of it. I doubt Mother Teresa or Gandhi ever expected anything other than that they were doing what was right in their eyes and loving others. If they were expecting investment return I'm sure all the people that abused Gandhi would hint that it was a pretty bad investment choice but it was a pretty huge sacrifice. I believe that because we are human loving people in loves sacrificing not investing. we can never be assured of getting anything in return for loving someone and therefore sacrifice is a much better term. In saying all this though sacrifice is only part of the "love" equation.
Dodgy Ali
"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13 I don't think this can be much clearer can it? I get what you're saying Dodgy Pete but it seems to me that you're comfortable with putting yourself first and getting that right, before loving others? ie my love tank is full so now I can give you something/sacrifice. I agree that we need to see ourselves as dearly love children of God but I don't think we need to get to that understanding before we sacrificially love others and I believe in many ways in actually having sacrificial love towards others first may give us a greater undestanding of Christ's love for us.
As far as marriage goes maybe it would be a good thing if not so many people were married if it meant that they understood that marriage takes sacrifice. Maybe if people were more aware of the sacrifice it takes and still committed to marriage there may be more marriages that actually stayed together?
Hi Ali. Hope you guys are feeling better. :)
For me as stated before this is really an issue I have with terminology.
I don’t think marriage or love should be about sacrifice. This is what I felt Robs passage seemed to be inferring. People don’t get married because they love someone and want to sacrifice themselves. Surely they get married because they love someone and feel they’ll be better together. Obviously when two people live together in marriage they are going to have to reach mutual compromise. Surely this compromise is an investment.
You can use “mutual sacrifice” above but as I’ve said I’m cautious of using sacrifice. The Macquarie dictionary says:
Sacrifice: the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
Compromise: a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an adjustment of conflicting claims, principles, etc.
Marriage and other relationships should be based on love and mutual compromise. There are going to be times when sacrifice is required, but if it’s based on sacrifice who is going to stick it out? If it’s about sacrifice, surely that means it’s a bad investment and people will only put up with that for so long before shooting through or cheating.
I’ve witnessed a relationship where one party was sacrificing. It didn’t end well. I’ve also had friends who felt they were sacrificing, which didn’t make them happy, and wasn’t healthy for them or the relationship.
Hey Glen. Point taken. I think it’s important to experience/practice sacrificial love as part of developing love for oneself. I do feel that too many people try to “love thy neighbour” without really loving themselves. Sometimes I feel it’s looked at as selfish to “love yourself” rather than being a good person and “sacrificing”. I’d like to think I’m not a “love tank full person then you can have some”, but that I need to work on loving myself in order to love others most effectively.
Still got a way to go :)
Sorry for long post. And good topic Bec. Has got me thinking :)
Took the verse right out of my mouth Glen!! You beat me to it!!
I don't think it is a problem with the terminology for you pete, I think you may have the problem with 'sacrifice' in itself.
(I dont want this to be a pete bashing here either people!!)
but...maybe you are not at the stage in your life where you feel that you can make sacrifices?
Sometimes in relationships only 1 person is making the sacrifice...and I agree, this doesn't work, both people need to 'make sacrifices'.
I don't think it is as bad as what you make it out to be though. And yes, I think the dictionary explanation is a good one!!
Giving up MY needs for Russell's whose needs I should be placing above mine! (I hope that makes sense)
It is hard work and sometimes we don't like having to give up something, but the benefit it brings to your marriage is amazing! To know that Russell would give up his life for mine is an amazing aspect of love to experience, and vice versa.
Maybe you are kicking back at this so much because you truly don't believe that you are ready for something like that?
I don't mean to sound harsh, but that's how it is coming across...
It's possible Bec. I think it has more to do with past experience. For most of my life I have found it easier to sacrifice for others than to love myself and sacrifice for myself. This isn't a good thing, even though from outside it may appear to be a "virtue".
I've started to come to terms with this over the last few years and I'm only really starting to feel confident in myself and my ability to have a healthly significant relationship. One based on love.
You mentioned above:
"It is hard work and sometimes we don't like having to give up something, but the benefit it brings to your marriage is amazing! To know that Russell would give up his life for mine is an amazing aspect of love to experience, and vice versa."
Sounds like a good investment to me, and I wish you both every blessing.
I personally think that from your above definitions Pete that compromise is what we humans take and bring out of marriage. To experience and show God's true love means sacrifice. Isn't this something to aim for ewven though we would fall short often? THis does not mean we let people walk all over us or go into a marriage where someone does not love us back but whatever happened to unconditional love? If we aren't recieving this from our partner in the first place why would you marry them? You can show unconditional love without expecting anything back but surely if love is not returned you wouldn't marry them in the first place. Sometimes we do things not because they make us happy but because it is the right thing to do. ie CHanging nappies means a huge sacrifice and I get no happiness out of it and expect nothing from Zac back. I just do it cause I love him. If I applied this to all areas of my marriage and my kids/friends etc it would be the right thing to do rather than expecting stuff and constantly being disapppointed by others not returning "on my investment" if that is what you want to call it.
Dodgy Ali
Well said Ali. I definitely agree that true love and sacrifice are this we should aspire to and practice in a disciplined manner in all aspects of our lives.
I’m not sure that unconditional love is compatible with marriage. Marriage surely is an agreement between two people (sometimes including God) for mutual benefit. If more people saw it for what is rather than trying to romanticise it, maybe more would last. I think too many people see it as a sacrifice rather than an investment.
The reason behind questioning unconditional love and marriage is sure you need to love your partner, you yourself Ali said
“whatever happened to unconditional love? If we aren't recieving this from our partner in the first place why would you marry them? You can show unconditional love without expecting anything back but surely if love is not returned you wouldn't marry them in the first place.”
That is expecting love in my book, so isn’t unconditional. Generally married people also expect their partners not to sleep around with other people, physically abuse each other, etc. That’s not very unconditional. Marriage in my opinion certainly isn’t about being unconditional. It’s an agreement where conditions are (or should be) set down so 2 people can live together in love for their lives. That’s why you sign a marriage certificate - marriage is a legally binding agreement (aka a contract).
Also with regards to changing nappies. As with marriage, I don’t have children so I’m not speaking from a position of personal experience. You can make of that what you will. Changing nappies isn’t a sacrifice, it’s a parents responsibility. It’s a little bit like a robber choosing to rob a bank, being caught and going to prison. You could see spending time in prison as a sacrifice, or as a consequence of past actions and a responsibility. Similarly to robbing a bank it’s illegal to neglect children. That’s why if you hear about parents neglecting kids you think “that’s terrible that they are neglecting their responsibility to helpless children they brought into the world” instead of “oh poor parents, children are such a drain and they don’t really give you much back”.
Now saying all that, I really do honestly think aspiring to and practicing true love towards other people is a good thing. It’s good for the people that are loved and good for the person doing the loving. So I see it as an investment. Investment isn’t a dirty word in my book. A financial definition of investment is
“The use of money for the purpose of making more money”
What happens when you invest in love? Is that the use of love for the purpose of making more love? That’s what I think. I don’t think that “investing in love” cheapens love. It’s just less romanticised and more practical, in my opinion.
Sorry again for the long post.
I guess I would see it as the opposite. That people seeing marriage as an investment rather than a needing sacrifice is romantising marriage. I don't mean that marriage/love is a sacrifice but that it needs it to survive. I feel that too many people go into marriage going "what can I get out of it? rather than "what should I put into It?"
Probably nappies was a bad example but I guess I never realised how much God loved me unconditionally until I became a parent and felt that love for someone else. You are right, rearing children is a responsibility but loving children unconditionally is a choice just like the choice we make in marriage.
It(the bible)says that husbands should love their wives like christ loved the church. Ephesians 5: 25 I guess for this means that in marriage, Jamie should love me (and vice versa)like Christ loves his followers which he gave his life up for and loved unconditionally even when they did not reciprocate and even hated him back.
I think that by using the term investment it implies that we cannot love unconditionally and sacrificially in our human form. Obviously, this is really hard and I am far from being good at this, but if Jesus is in us haven't we recieved his power and love to to do this.
Anyway, thanks for discussion Bec and Pete, once again another thought provoking discusssion.
Dodgy Ali
PS sorry for using your blog as my soapbox
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