Beyond the Wedding Day

By Rob Furlong
Challenge Newspaper July 2008

Did I tell you that my daughter Kate was married in May? Of course I did! And no father could have been more proud than I to walk her down the aisle!

I also had the honour of being the officiating minister. There was a point in the ceremony where I was expected to bring “words of counsel” and I have always been slightly amused that we wait until this late to give the couple advice on how to conduct themselves in their marriage! So I decided to talk to Kate and Jos about the vows that they were about to make.

You might remember that last month I spoke about how important our vows are and the urgent need that we have in our society for people who choose to stand by each other through good and bad times because they have committed themselves to doing so. But, lets be honest, even the best of marriages will have its vows severely tested from time to time.

What then, is the glue that holds our wedding vows together? It has to be love, but what kind of love will see a couple through all the happiness and sadness that life will throw at them over the course of a possible fifty year marriage?

Amy Tan, author of the popular novel “The Joy Luck Club” describes love in this way: I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t always feel like that in my marriage! No disrespect is intended towards Amy Tan (or my wife!) but I have discovered that love is more than just a feeling.

One of the frustrations with the English language is that it can be so hopelessly inadequate at times to find the right word to describe what we mean. I am sure that we mean something entirely different when we say that we love our dog but then use the same word to describe how we feel about our partner for life. (Well I hope you do!)

The Greeks had a good idea; they had four words to describe the different nuances of love. One word described family love, love that was based on blood ties; another was used to describe the affection we feel toward a person who held similar interests to us, friendship love and a third word helped express passionate and sexual love.

But the greatest of all their words for love was the word that described love as a willingness to put the other person’s needs ahead of your own. It was love that said, “I choose to serve you and if necessary, lay down my life for you.” Not surprisingly, the Bible says this is exactly the way in which husbands are to love their wives (Ephesians chapter 5).

What I am trying to get at here is that love is not simply a feeling. If we fall for the lie that love is based on how we feel then we will fall in and out of love several times a day with our husband or wife.

This is why our vows to each other are so important. We might find our current situation quite desperate, but regardless of how we feel at the time, love (the fourth kind that I have described above) says, “I will stay committed to you no matter what because I have promised before God, family and friends to do that.”

And please don’t think that I am saying that your marriage should have no emotion or passion: of course it should! I really just want you to understand that people do not “fall out of love” with each other; they choose to stop loving each other. The amazing thing is, when we do choose to love, in time, the feelings flow and they are far deeper and lasting than you could ever have imagined!

Essentially this is what I shared with Kate and Jos on their wedding day. Its not rocket science but I have found that the best advice is generally very straightforward.

Are you thinking of leaving your marriage, of giving up and throwing in the towel? Can I give you some good advice? Choose to stay, choose to love and choose to honour the promise you made to the one who shares your bed at night — you will avoid a lifetime of regret if you do.