While we’re on the topic of marriage, I would just like to air my concerns about the way we (specifically the church) deal with marriage and singleness.
It seems (to me) that in the church we don’t know what to do a) with singles (by that I mean small groups etc) and b) with people who are never going to marry. We treat everyone as though we/they will all get married and live happily ever after! Not everyone is going to get hitched! For some people its just not going to happen…and its ok. Why do we pity single people and continually tell them "It’ll be ok, you just haven’t met the right person yet". What if they never meet the right person? Is that ok? As you sit here reading this, does that sit ok with yourself?
Before I was married I felt like a diseased person and I even started to think that something was wrong with me because I didn’t have a boyfriend. I was 18! I will never forget the time when I sat down to a family meal (as we did every night) and we held hands to say grace and dad prayed "Dear God, we pray that Bek doesn’t become an old maid. Amen" Now I know he was joking and we all laughed but at 19/20 it doesn’t help! I think Russ and I had only been together a few months and there was this huge pressure to get married. I still don’t believe that we were rushed down the aisle, but I do think in the back of our minds we were thinking, "We’ve been together 2yrs, we should be getting married soon".
The whole "the grass is always greener" thing doesn’t stop once your married. Russell and I had been married for a whole 10 months and were celebrating my 22nd birthday when my mum piped up and said, "I was pregnant with you when I was your age". Now, I don’t want to be giving the impression that my parents are horrible people who find enjoyment in saying silly things. Mum was once again joking, and if your around our family much you’ll understand how much we poke fun at each other and constantly stir each other. But once again the thought had been planted in my mind that we should be having kids.
So you end up looking forward to getting married, you think that it will satisfy your longing, and then you wind up finding yourself thinking that it wasn’t enough and that you are now longing for the next stage in life…kids. This is a whole side issue but what I am trying to say is that no matter how much you think you just want to get married or you just want to have kids, there’s always something else.
The other issue with this is what do we (as a church or individually) have in place at church or in our community that accomodates single people? My granny is having trouble fitting into a small group because she is single. She finds it really hard to be in a small group with just married couples. She constantly feels like she is the odd bodd for not being married. She left a small group in QLD of ladies her age who were all single and it was the most rewarding small group for her, but now she is at a loss as to what to do. Her circumstance is a common one.
Back to church and singles. Instead of trying to answer this myself, I’m going to throw the question out to you…why do we constantly treat singles like their missing out on something? Why do we instantly think that the 'normal' thing to do is to get married, and why is it such a big deal if people don’t? What are some of your ideas that we could implement at church to stop this vicious cycle? Does your church have something in place already? Does it work well? Is it something we might find valuable…go on share it with us! My last question…what is it that you personally can do to stop being a negative influence (if you think you have been or are on) on the lives of young and old alike who are single?
21.6.07
The singledom of Heaven
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8 comments:
When I first came to my church (in Oct 2001)the demographic was largely single guys and young married couples. I was one of only a handful single girls. Then by 2004, we had a large influx of young singles and suddenly the church's social life seemed to revolve around the 'singles' club'. The marrieds were starting to have kids by this stage and I think a few of them felt a bit out of the loop. True, parents have other priorities but it would have been nice to invite them anyway (I was just as guilty of this). It can work both ways. Sometimes the majority will unwittingly exclude the minority for being different, whether the majority is singles or couples. A lot of singles just assume that couples don't want to hang out with them anymore so they don't invite them. True, they may not always be able to come but just by inviting them can speak loudly that you care about them.
People seem drawn to other people in the same stage of life as them which is both good and bad. As a single, I enjoyed hanging out with other singles to know I'm not the only single around. But I also missed out on the richness of hanging out with marrieds and parents and hearing their experiences. Dunc and I do hang out with other couples but I want to be careful that we hang out with our single friends as well.
I personally dislike small groups that are centred around marital status. Last year I was in a women's small group that had parents, marrieds with no kids, singles and dating/engaged people. Was great. It shows that the gospel brings us together no matter what stage of life we're in.
Fantastic topic to talk about, and air to the blogging world. I'll share alittle about small country towns;)
When I first moved to Dally a couple of years ago off and on, there were a fair few single blokes and no girls. Ofcourse whenever I female came up to visit friends or family, the mothers and marrieds from church, would comment to the blokes to go over and intro themselves, but I don't think they were really interested.
A couple of those guys have married in the last 5 years or so, but there is still a couple of singles.
Its like, if your not married or getting married, you can't be happy... I know for a fact, this isn't true!
Anyways, sometimes I think its best not to joke around with singles, they might be battling with it.
I agree with both of you there! When we first got married I got so frustrated that people completely stopped inviting us out anywhere! We would invite people over but it was never ever returned. We lost quite a few friends and now find ourselves with a new circle of friends. This is just part of life I think, we all change and our friendships all change (not all but some).
I agree about the whole joking thing too! I only joke around when the 'single' person is joking about themselves in the first place.
Yes I agree not joking about people's single status unless you know they are completely content being single and don't care. Whenever people did it to me, I'd smile while I was around them and then go and cry (and I was only in my early twenties!!) Two years ago I went to a single friend's 30th and a couple of people bought her the Old Maid card game. On the packet it says 'ages 3 and up' and they changed it '30 and up'. I was so mad at that because she might have been secretly struggling with her singleness and that's a horrible thing to do on someone's birthday. If I was a single 30-year-old and someone did that, I'd flatten them.
Hi Guys,
Good topic Bek! As a newly single person I'm finding it to be a very positive experience. I'm developing more as an individual, which will hold me in good stead for my next relationship and into the future.
I really enjoy having friends in all stages of life - singles, marrieds, families with kids, etc. Variety is the spice of life and you can learn so much from all of them, irrespective of where you are in your journey.
I remember when one of my friends (the lovely Sanda) had her first child. I got the feeling from her that she thought I wouldn't want to be friends anymore because she and rick were parents. Very far from the truth and it's been such a learning experience and so much fun seeing them grow as a family, but I understand why she might have felt that way.
I'd agree that in general marrieds, families and singles tend to gravitate to there own kind. However it's good to have a mix, and church should encourage this sort of social interaction.
I do love the mix in our small group.
At one stage it was like the small group of couples but it is slowly changing and I love it!
Maybe we need to hear more from the pulpit about singleness. Usually there are a heap of sermons on marriage and thats it! It often leaves people longing for something that may never happen for them...but thats ok!!
I like your jokes, Dodgy Pete - especially the shower one.
I think some singles think they are doing a good thing by giving their married friends some space, particularly newlyweds. I know for some of my friends who have got married this year, I wanted to make sure I wasn't being too demanding on their time while they trying to adjust to a new house and the changes that come with being a newly married couple. I told I want to have them over for dinner sometime but that I completely understand that they need some time alone to adjust as well. From this I've learnt that good communication is a key. Singles and marrieds know they still value each other as friends but the singles can let the marrieds know that if they are not seeing them as much in the first few months of marriage, it's because they understand they have different priorities. In churches, a lot of marrieds are encouraged to 'have a single over for dinner'. I want to make more of an effort to have couples over for dinner as well.
Too right Sarah!
We often have over one of our mates for dinner and it never feels weird. Since he is a valued friend to each of us (not just russells mate or my mate) but has been a friend to us individually its really easy and natural to have him over.
I was so hurt after we got married as we lost many friends - simply because they got told not to bug us after we got back from our honeymoon. Have no idea who told them that but it hurt still the same
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