Update

Hhmmm…I’ve been holding off from posting about this for awhile, but it may just explain a bit of the moods I’ve been in recently.

About a month ago I went to see my doctor to make sure that I am healthy and that I wasn’t dying of some hidden disease in my body, etc etc.

She told me my weight (less than what I originally thought) told me to gain some weight, then forced me to do girly things that girls hate doing. While she was doing all her checks and what not we were talking about falling pregnant as Russell and I have been trying since we got back from holidays. I wasn’t talking to her because I was worried that we hadn’t ‘fallen’ as I knew it would probably take a few months. It wasn’t until she started to ask questions and make certain comments that I started to worry.

She told me that she didn’t think I had ever ovulated in my life, and that there was a high possibility that I wasn’t ovulating at all. Now for those who don’t know, you need to ovulate to get preggers (I know it’s pretty much common knowledge, but just in case).

She then sent me off for a few blood tests and told me to come back the following week.

At first I was in denial.

“Yeah right, she’s just got it totally wrong. I’m completely normal”

Then when I got home after work I broke down.

“Yeah right you stinkin’ formed me in my mother’s womb. You didn’t form me properly, that’s what! I’m broken goods. I don’t even work right. Why me!?! Why does this sort of crap always happen to me. What about all those people that have sex ONCE before they get married and fall pregnant, yet I play by the rules and look what happens!”

I’m allowed to go through that ok!! Don’t preach to me about how God did form me right, blah blah blah. I’m allowed my moment of weakness.

So, I got depressed. That whole week I was surrounded by pregnant women and babies. I went to a women’s night to hear my mum speak and there were 6 pregnant women surrounding me!! I couldn’t escape it. Plus, two girls in my small group have just had kids, and it was really depressing.

Why is it that when other people start trying for kids it just happens. Yet, when we start trying we are only faced with troubles. Granted it’s only been 2 months, but when you find out your ovaries aren’t working, let alone even there it gets hard.

I went back to my doctor the following week and she told me that

“Any normal person would have ovulated on the day that you had the blood tests done, but you didn’t so you need to get some more blood tests done next week to see if it happened/happens or not.”

So, after all that waiting, I had to wait again. It was at this stage that I just gave into the fact that it mustn’t be happening and that we were doomed. I broke down in our interim pastors office and embarrassed myself completely. They asked if I had anyone I talked to and I said no. I don’t. I have a couple of friends, but not any that understand. They’ve got their babies, how can they relate?

I had my next set of blood tests done and waited another week for the results. Finally my doctor called me at work and said that I did in fact ovulate that month. However, I may only ovulate 3 times a year.

She has given us 4-6 months to fall pregnant. If it doesn’t happen then she will step in and see what’s going on.

I never in a million years would have thought about the possibility that we might not be able to have kids. But, it doesn’t surprise me. God tends to do this sort of stuff with me.
I’m trying to get out of that mindset, but it doesn’t help when it doesn’t seem like God is ever on my side.

So, just so you all know, I am a little sensitive about it right now, so no preaching, just listening.