Sorry again

Yes, this is one of those post’s again.

Believe me, I’m as sick of going over this as you are…but I feel as though I am stuck on this rollercoaster ride, and I can’t get off, I guess that’s life though isn’t it? Life is a rollercoaster, you can either enjoy it or you can grumble the whole time.

For the past few days all I’ve had going through my head is:

“I had a miscarriage”

I had a miscarriage

I had a miscarriage

All day and night I can’t believe what has happened. It all feels just so surreal. I cannot believe that this happened. I cannot believe that I am one of the statistics. 1 in 4 have a miscarriage. 1 in 4. I am that 1. And it really sucks. Why couldn’t I have been one of the other 3?

Was it because I let Jet do a ‘bomby’ jump from the top of the couch onto my tummy one too many times?
Was it because I played netball even though I thought I was going to pass out on court?
Was it because I tried to ride my bike up that blasted hill and just about karked it?
Was it because I ate all that soft cheese when I knew I shouldn’t have?
Was it because I wasn’t eating enough? Even though I was hungry at work, I would be too busy to eat.
Was it because God didn’t think that I would be a good mum and so he took my baby away?
Was it because I was starting to doubt that God could perform some sort of miracle in my life? Was it my doubt or disbelief?

I know I am not the only person to go through this. There have been so many women to go through what I have, and there will be many more women to go through what I have. I am in no way trying to have a pity party, and I really truly am sick of getting upset over this. It’s something I really can’t explain. To lose the connection I had and to just pretend that everything is ok is just too hard and emotionally tiring.

I am so over this.