Yet another update...

Things are good.

I had a little meltdown a couple of weeks ago and it felt like I was just going to get swallowed up in it all. Thankfully though, I have managed to pull myself out of that hole (thanks to some friends) and have taken a new outlook on life.

I have been trying to concentrate on all the good things that have come out of this experience.

A) We are one hell of a fertile couple!! We fell pregnant within the first month of us trying. This gives me hope!! Hope that we are not damaged goods, and that everything is working!! With super sonic sperm and excellent egg....I have faith we will fall pregnant again

B) This is probably the most important thing of all, my relationship with God grew. I have been drawn closer to God at a time in my life where I most needed it. I normally would have gone running for God, but now I know that he does speak into my life, and I just need to learn to listen to him more. I have learnt that he does indeed love me, and it has been the biggest comfort for me to dwell on the fact that God probably cried when my baby died, and that he is holding him/her in his hands and looking after him/her for me for until I get to meet them.

C) My relationship with my mum is improving. I have experienced a bit (not much mind you) of what she went through when they were trying for kids. Mum had 3 miscarriages before I was born, the very last one being still born. I have known the basics and that it was a sad time for them, but I never knew how devasting it could/can be.

D) Our relationship (Russell's and mine) has just been strengthened and become more intimate than I thought possible. I know our relationship should constantly be growing, but I never knew how such a devastation could bring such intimacy! I love him more than ever and I just yearn to 'have his children'. I could not think of a better husband. God really knew what he was doing when he brought us together. I wouldn't want anyone else to father my children.

E) There are a lot of people out there worse off then me/us. I'm not discounting our pain but I am trying to centre myself on the fact that there are people out in this world that have gone through just as much pain and suffering as us AND more.

f) I have a really good boss and workplace - this is a real blessing to have.

I guess the best thing that came out of this experience was the fact that a lot of my major relationships grew and are still growing. I couldn't ask for much more. While I still have bad days-days where I wish that we were still 'expecting' and get upset over it all, the majority of the time I am happy. God has begun a process of healing in me, and it is sooo good.

Now, it's over to super sonic sperm and excellent egg - and most importantly God.