Forge Intensive - Conversations around Re-thinking Paradigms of Mission in the Post-Christian West

On Saturday Russell and I went to a Forge Intensive held in Subi. It was a great chance to learn a little more about the emerging church – even though this isn’t really what the intensive was focused on.

I will start with the negatives as it’s always nice to end on a positive note. Now, I know I am not the easiest person to talk to. I tend to hide behind Russell and let him make conversation (I don’t even like to walk in front of him. I try make him pick the seats and walk through the door first) and when I feel comfortable enough I will make a comment. I did feel however a little on the outer. Like it was a group of people who all know each other and are in a bit of a click. This would be the only reason why I wouldn’t attend to another one. I’m not sure if Russell would be able to go to another one with me and without him I would be completely lost. I don’t have enough courage to walk across a room, introduce myself, and to maintain conversation. I’m sure that if I even met Sarah or Middo (although I’m pretty sure I already have met Middo) I would be at a loss as to what to say and would be too shy to say anything! I hate feeling like an outsider, and I know I cant just hide away from going to things, but I honestly didn’t feel very comfortable all day. Now, most of you who know me (and I mean really know me) would say that I am so outgoing and loud etc, but if you remember when you first met me, I wasn’t. Its not until I get to know someone a bit better, or am in a group of people, that I know, that I will ‘come out of my shell’ a bit.

The other thing was that I felt conflicted in my thoughts (as I would expect to happen at one of these things). I was so embarrassed as it actually made me cry, and in the afternoon tea break I was trying to shove those tears/snot back up so that it wouldn’t be seen that I had been crying. Then, of all things the main speaker decided to introduce himself while I was in this process of shoving! I really appreciated Steve introducing himself and I found it really valuable to chat with him (I’m getting teary even now and I’m at work!!!). He was the only person who introduced himself to me and I was blessed by chatting with him (how embarrassing, crying when you first meet someone!). I should probably explain why I was crying. We had just a session by Man A, (I’m not going to reveal who, but I’m sure someone will pick it!) who was talking about his ‘experience/church/small group. I have no problem with Man A’s experience, that’s nothing I can take away from him. Everyone has experiences and its not my place nor anyone else’s to take away from that experience and tell them they are wrong or have gone about things the wrong way etc. I just felt that some of the explanations and wording of certain things hurtful. I come from a traditional background, and it’s huge that I’m even attending a conference like this. I know Man A wasn’t attacking me or my family, but I just felt that there was no affirmation of what God’s church is doing right. It was all this, this, this, and this, are all wrong, and no but we did learn this. I know that the church they are talking about may have referred to themselves as ‘a machine’, but that doesn’t give license to then refer to other churches as ‘machines’ (It was said – just in case anyone wants to argue me on it. It was said by a Man B). My parents have devoted themselves to the church and to ministry for over 20 years and I get frustrated when people refer to what they are doing is simply running a machine. The church is not perfect and it NEVER will be! I know people get frustrated with church and they leave it, but how about this for an idea? :wouldn’t it be more effective if the handful of people who left the church actually stayed in the church and worked at making a positive change and then have 400+ people making a difference in their community and with their neighbours rather than just 20? That makes more sense to me. People and Man B probably don’t agree, that’s fine, but this is my blog and I’m going to say how I feel about things. Leave a comment if you have an issue. Though I don’t even think Man A reads this, as he has never made me feel ‘worthy’ of talking to him in person, thus why would he read this? I honestly don’t have a problem with Man A and his ‘groups’ experiences, I do have a problem, that when you leave the church you leave with a swinging bat and take a swing at anything in sight. Also, over half the points that Man A listed as to what his ‘church’ do, my small group do for me. Nurturing, serving, etc. I don’t have the list with me, but I did jot it down. I’m just going by memory (sorry – beat me up for being unprepared, I don’t care). I have never had an issue with what Man A is doing, I guess I just didn’t expect to hear half of what he said. (I can tell I’m going to get in trouble here). The point of this post is not to tear down Man A (I’m sorry if he hears this from someone else and feels torn down) I am simply diarising how I felt, aren’t diaries meant to be honest?
The main reason why that session upset me, was because I am caught in a tug-of-war at the moment. I am frustrated with church but am prepared to stick it out. Yet, I’m also looking at different ways of doing church. I just got a little defensive when I see so much of my parents lives devoted to serving in the church, and they get nothing back but criticism. It also hurts because my dad has made it clear that he will never retire – he will never stop ministry and his love for people will never stop! He, and mum, have literally devoted their entire life to serving God through the church.

Wow, I haven’t had a rant like that in a long time. I know I’ll get nasty comments, or comments saying I shouldn’t have said the things I’ve said, but I’m tired of not being honest about how I feel.

Positives!! – finally

Steve Said was amazing! He was so knowledgeable of the Scriptures which really appeals to me, and he also spoke from the Old Testament!! OH MY GOODNESS!! Someone actually did a couple of sessions from the OT! I LOVED this! Preaching from the OT has seriously been lacking and it was refreshing to have someone speak from the OT and to really know what he was talking about. Also, not one negative word about the church came out of his mouth. He didn’t ‘bag’ the church, but he encouraged us/me in the ministry that he and his wife are doing in their community. Did I mention he introduced himself? He made me feel comfortable and important. He didn’t just shy away when I probably wasn’t giving him much to work with. Doesn’t surprise me I scared him off with my tears and one word answers. I am trying to work on this and I think I am getting better, albeit at a snails pace (like many other things in my life). I don’t have my note book with me but I will definitely post my notes up tomorrow, or the next, depending on when I remember next. I planned on saying thankyou to him at the end of the day, but was too nervous and shy to go up to him so I didn’t. I am looking for his email address at the moment, so if anyone has it, can you please forward it too me? I know I’m doing this the chickens way, but I honestly couldn’t bring myself to do it, and I still didn’t feel comfortable around all the other people there to stay, so we left straight away.

I know I don’t have as many positives as I did negatives, but I would still say that the day was one of learning and stretching, and we ALL need that. Life would be boring if we just sat around and didn’t have opinions or conflicts about anything.

The intent of this post was not to have a go at Man A. I am trying to give a perspective of just 1 person who was there. I’m sure that everyone else who attended had no problem, maybe, but I doubt it. I’m probably going to regret this post, and if I do, then you will see it edited or it will have disappeared, but for the moment, it’s staying how it is.

*note: I originally wrote this with Man A’s name, but have decided not to disclose as I feel it would be unfair to not have taken it up with him before revealing him to all of the world wide web. I haven’t changed any sentences though as I believe they are fair enough for me to express.