Update

Just a small update on how Im going.

On this post I slightly indicated that the world sucked and that my life was a joke and that God had pretty much abandoned me.I am slowly (like a snails pace) starting to turn. I hate having to admit that because it means I was wrong about God and the like.That doesnt mean that everything is better. I am realizing that I havnt spent 1-on-1 time with God for about 2 and a half years now "because Ive been busy". Im sick of my life being too busy to take 5-10mins with God during my day. This has really been my downfall. I have slowly been slipping away to a point where I dont feel that I can even admit to being a Christian, whatever that title means. I gave every excuse possible and at one point Russell said that I sound like 15yr old kids at youth who give every excuse possible to not trust in God. That was a bit of a wake up call because I used to get so frustrated with people like that, and now I was one of them.

I had a lot of pride. Pride that included:

1. Thinking I knew everything there was to know about the Bible and Church
2. I knew between right and wrong
3. I could do anything in my own strenght
4. And too much pride to admit that I had neither of these things and to admit that what I really needed was Christ

Wow this is really hard to admit

Im a bit of a bottler. I dont even allow myself to cry in front of Russell after having been together for 4 and a bit years. I guess my reasoning is that it is a sign of weakness, and I dont want to be caught being weak. This has also caused a bit of a problem because it all gets to be too much to hold in and I have to have a burst out somewhere, but somehow I manage to hold it back (I dont know how), but sometimes I will cry at the smallest of things which seems completely ridiculous to other people, but if they understood why it happens, then I guess it would make a little more sense. Because I hold back so much, I have to let it come out in little bits and BOY does it come out at the most inappropriate times!

Anyway. Russell and I watched a few of the sessions from the Global Leadership Summit (Im pretty sure Ive already posted about this, I cant remember) and one of the sessions was about having balance in our life. It is something that I really need to sort out. I need to re-establish what I have lost with God (which will take awhile) and then I believe I will feel Gods presence and I wont feel that he has completely abandoned me. I need to sort a few things out with God (I still have a few trust issues). I am endeavouring to have daily quiet times (not yet started-hopefully soon), and slowly am getting back on track.
It may seem that I am being too slow and it may even seem that Im even putting things off, but I dont think that this is something I should rush. If I rush things, issues wont get sorted out, and I will be running purely on adrenaline and fire but it wont be lasting. Adrenaline and fire will eventually run out and I will find myself back where I am now. They need to be fueled on something other than emotion.

One other thing that I need to sort out at the moment (and this is something that I think is far from being sorted out) is my self esteem level. It is sitting on empty.

Its not really something I will go into depth about, as it includes a 3rd party and I dont really want to spread it all over the net. But, its not a good situation anyway. Im just going to focus on one thing at a time for the meanwhile, but just thought I would update you on how everything was going. Its getting better, so maybe just pray, which is a really hard thing for me to ask, but I know its something I need. Prayer, and a lot of it. I think Ill leave it there. I dont want to burden you all with my problems, as we all have them. So, yeah....thats all I have to say about that.