Creating True Intimacy

By Rob Furlong
Challenge Newspaper Aug 2008

Mention the word intimacy and you will likely receive a number of definitions. For some it means the feeling of closeness that is built through two people sharing together; for others, it is the sensation of physical touch. The Oxford Dictionary defines intimacy as being “close in acquaintance, familiar, friendship, close connexion, knowledge resulting from familiarity.” I like that last explanation: intimacy is “knowledge resulting from familiarity.” Put another way, intimacy is knowledge gained about someone because you are close to them.

It seems to me that our world tends to focus primarily on the idea that intimacy is about being sexual with each other and the more I read and listen, the more convinced I am that this area of our lives is treated with great casualness by people. Perhaps an example from the writer, Naomi Wolf, will explain what I mean:

“I am noting that the power and charge of sex are maintained when there is some sacredness to it… I will never forget a visit I made to Ilana, an old friend… when I saw her again… I could not get over it. Ilana has waist length, wild and curly golden-blonde hair. ‘Can’t I even see your hair?’ I asked, trying to find my old friend in there. ‘No,’ she demurred quietly. ‘Only my husband,’ she said with a calm sexual confidence, ‘ever gets to see my hair.’ …She must feel, I thought, so hot.”

Wolf’s point is well made and illustrates that intimacy is much more than just a physical experience — there are certain things that only a husband and wife share with each other — they are not for the rest of the world to see.

How does this relate to your marriage? If a marriage is to survive through a lifetime then true intimacy must be at the heart of it and both husband and wife must be committed to developing this in their relationship.

It is fair enough to say that this is easier said than done and yes, we do struggle with trying to understand each other at times, but there are some simple principles that can be observed that will lead to deeper intimacy between a couple.

Develop a listening heart. Just the simple practice of giving your husband or wife your undivided attention while they speak will greatly enhance intimacy in your relationship. And try to really listen — stop assuming that you think you know what they are saying and try to hear the other person’s heart.

Ask questions in order to clarify. If you are not sure what the other person said, then ask them to explain a little more! No one ever loses out by asking questions!

Pray together. Share your personal needs with each, your fears and concerns and then bring them to your Heavenly Father together.

These principles are simple but if you commit to getting them off the printed page and into your life you will be on the road to building genuine intimacy into your marriage.

Far too many people approach their relationships — especially the marriage relationship — like the Olympic 100 metres race. They see them as a sprint and so important things like communication and sharing are neglected. Sadly they wonder often too late, why the relationship failed. If you want your marriage to succeed, then think in terms of a long distance race.

When you watch Kenyans run the long distance events at the Olympics you will notice that they usually run together, each runner spurring the other on until the finish line is in view. So it is with marriage; as husband and wife you run together through a lifetime of building intimacy and genuine relationship and your relationship goes the distance. I think that is why Solomon once said,
“Two are better than one… if one falls, (the other) can help him up” (Ecclesiastes chapter 4, verse 9).