Like Sands through the hourglass so are the days of bek #9

Well, where I left off after the last post in this series I shall continue today! I told you I wouldn’t be bothered to do it for another 6mths!

I will never forget the moment when we drove out of the car park from the reception to head off onto our journey of marriage!!

We hugged and waved people good-bye, got into our EA Wagon turned down one street from the church and pulled over. Russell reached over and…..grabbed the road map. He had no idea how to get to the hotel we were staying at!

So, after our little detour off we headed, the whole trip we just kept saying “I can’t believe we’re married. I can’t believe we’re married!” I’m sure most newlyweds go through the same thing.

We spent the weekend at a relaxed hotel and we slept pretty much all day. On the Sunday Arvo I was watching a movie and the cleaner came into the room to tidy things up. She asked if we were enjoying our break and what we were up to. We told her we had gotten married the day before and were going to be heading over east the next day. She screamed “I can’t believe you’re sitting around clothed watching a movie! I’ll be quick and get out!”. We thought it was quite funny.

We headed over to the Gold Coast for 10 days hoping to catch some beautiful sunshine. However, it rained, no re-phrase that, it flooded. The most rain QLD had had in 10 yrs. But, we made the most of it and spent our time walking around under an umbrella cuddling.

The honeymoon was great and settling in at home was fun. We set-up ‘house’ and enjoyed each others company. We started back up at work, and then reality set in.

For some reason we just started to argue. It was the most heated ‘discussions’ we had ever had with each other and were usually over the smallest things. I remember crying one night thinking “Aren’t we supposed to be happily married?”

Things got so bad one day I almost killed Russell…in the EA Wagon.

We were fighting over something (I have no idea what) and I grabbed the keys to the car. I jumped in the car and reversed out of the driveway. Russell was close on my tail yelling “You’re not going anywhere!” and indignantly sat on the bonnet of the car.

I chuckled to myself “As if that’s going to stop me!!” I quickly accelerated forward, Russell hit the wind screen, and then I quickly reversed and he rolled off the top of the bonnet. I hooned down the street while he proceeded to dust himself off and give me the ‘finger sign’ – with BOTH fingers! He then noticed the neighbours staring at him on their front lawn and quickly ran back inside.

I eventually came back and apologised for trying to kill him, and he forgave.

The first 6-12mths though were hell. I never had anyone tell me about any sort of ‘adjustment period’. I had close friends around me though and was able to chat with them and to find comfort in the fact that we weren’t alone. I just wish we had had those chats earlier in the piece! Now whenever I catch up with someone about to get married, I tell them the truth, I don’t hold back on sharing our experiences and let them know that it’s ok to fight. It’s normal.

We’ve been married for 3yrs now and I reckon we are in the honeymoon period now! Though, I’m sure that will all change once the baby gets here!

At my sisters wedding earlier this year I was chatting to Russ at about 1am after the wedding and was saying that as happy and excited I was at our wedding, nothing compares to the love that I have for him now! I thought I was at the epitome of love at our wedding, but every year it has just gotten better and better! I don’t want to go back to when we were first married, I like where we are now, and where we are headed! If it’s this good after 3yrs, I can’t begin to imagine how good it will be after 30!

I have grown into myself more since marrying Russell, poor bloke, had no idea what he was getting into (crazy car driving lady!). I am more comfortable in who I am and I am accepted and loved by Russell and there is nothing that can fully describe how that makes me feel. He takes me with all my flaws and failures and still chooses to love me everyday (sounds a little like someone else we all know?).

I love the fact that we can sit in front of the heater for hours and just talk. I love that on Friday nights when we are the most tired, we still snuggle in bed and usually spend the next couple of hours just talking. I have never opened up to anyone this much in my whole life, and there is still a lot of stuff that I hold back, but slowly we are uncovering more and more about each other and being more and more honest with each other. We rarely fight, and if we do, it’s more of a ‘discussion’ (sounds corny, but true) and we just chat about “I am currently feeling that…” etc…and usually sort it out straight away rather than let it linger.

There have been ups and downs in our marriage. Money struggles, church struggles (a huge part of a tension that was between us for a couple of years) and when we lost our first baby.

We decided at the end of 2006 that we would start trying for a family in Oct of 2007. Don’t know why Oct, but it was just a month that we decided to settle on. As a chick, there is no way to explain the maternal instincts that seem to kick in at a certain stage in life. I knew we had only been married a short while, but the mothering instinct in me was so burdensome that it was hard to explain to Russell. I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, but I also wanted to be a mother. Maybe I’m the only chick like this, I don’t know! I’ve always wanted a big family. When I was about 10-13yrs I was set on having 4 boys. I’ve always laughed that God will probably give me 4 girls…that’s just what he’s like!!

Anyway, we went to Thailand in Sept 07 (click here for photos and diary notes) and when we got back home, Russell said to me one night “I’m ready. I’m really ready to start trying for a family.” Up until then he hadn’t really been too keen on the idea. I didn’t push it but just tried to wait patiently. I wanted him to want it as much as me. I didn’t want to bring another person into our relationship knowing that Russell wasn’t in agreement with me 100%. It wasn’t until that night (I still remember it) that I knew he was ready and that he wanted it as much as me. So, we started trying. A couple of weeks later I was pregnant. But I never knew it. I mean I knew it in my head, but I never took a pregnancy test and never went to the doctor about it. I was too scared that the pregnancy test would come back negative, so I never did one!

During Oct we moved into our first home. We had moved 6 times since being married, and were finally in our own home. We had never planned to own our own home, and it all came as a bit of a surprise, but it happened and we are still settled there now.

We spent our 1st Christmas in our own home and I had been praying for the past couple of months that I would be pregnant by Christmas. I had said to God that I would take a pregnancy test on Christmas morning as a special present (I’m weird I know). But, come Christmas morning, I never took the test. I couldn’t trust that God would bless me with something so huge. This Christmas was also the first Christmas that Russell and I skipped church. Russell had just resigned from his job as Youth Pastor at our current church and we were embarking on a new journey into finding a new church. We decided that this being the first year we didn’t have any commitments to any church, we would spend the morning together and just relax. Which we did, and it was the best Christmas ever. We lazed around, gave each other pressies and then spent lunch and the afternoon with family. It was a great time of relaxation and I was able to take the week off work.

I’ll never forget the feeling that I should have taken the pregnancy test that morning. It would’ve been the best present either of us could have received, but you can’t go back in time, and you just need to accept the choices that you’ve made in the past.

Then, on the 31st of December my best friend had her first child, Jaxon. We went and saw her in hospital and I was so excited for her. The week after that we had a friends wedding, and we started looking around at local churches.

I mention the above events because there are photos from the 2 that stick in my mind. One photo with Russ and I holding and meeting Jaxon and one of both of us at this particular wedding. Whenever I look back at the photo of us and Jaxon it reminds me that I was pregnant there and was so looking forward to when our baby would arrive. The second photo was me in a tight black dress standing next to Russell. That morning I had been complaining that I looked so bloated and had nothing nice to wear that didn’t make me look pregnant. I was still in denial about the pregnancy and ended up wearing the tight black dress. I felt uncomfortable all day and couldn’t wait to strip out of the thing once we got home. I look at both photos and remember “I was pregnant there”. It’s a weird feeling, but I’m also glad that we at least some sort of record of the pregnancy.

Jan 10th (2008) I woke up during the night with the worst pains I have ever had, and I knew something was wrong. I had been bleeding a couple of days earlier and had been praying against anything going badly. That night I lost our baby and it changed me and our entire life. If you want to read anything about the whole experience you can click here and here.

Losing our baby was the worst and best thing that had ever happened to us. It definitely strengthened our marriage and brought us closer together as a couple. I will never forget the day that I cried for about 8hrs straight. Russell wasn’t working at the time and I was taking a break from work. We had woken up late and I went to the loo. I walked back into our bedroom and just burst into tears. Russell held me for the next few hours as I just cried and cried, occasionally mumbling to myself. He never said anything and he just encompassed me in his arms. I will never forget it. It was as though through the physical act of being bound together we were bound together in spirit also.

Since then we have been closer than ever before. This year has been the best year as we have both overcome some of the things that life throws your way and we have survived! I believe that our relationship is going forward in leaps and bounds and I hope and pray that we can continue down this path.

4 weeks after the miscarriage I fell pregnant again. I call Russell ‘super sonic sperm’ these days as it was an absolute miracle (again). I couldn’t believe that it happened so quickly and we have spent the last 30 weeks thanking God and praying over the safety of this little one every night. We are both excited beyond belief and cannot believe that another little person will be joining our relationship this year. We will become a family!

The pregnancy has definitely brought its challenges but it has also brought the most joy I have felt in years. I love seeing Russell’s excitement and involvement and I am so incredibly blessed to have him as both my husband and father of my children. I love listening to him talk about the baby and his hopes and dreams, I love watching his face grow with excitement when he sits there feeling the baby move. I love hearing him whisper secrets to the baby that I can’t hear – his own daddy and baby secrets and I love hearing him say out loud how much he loves the little one already. I am a truly blessed woman.

The other week we were watching a music dvd of ‘UnderOath’ and the baby was kicking around the most I had ever felt! Russell sat for the next hour with the biggest smile on his face as he felt the baby kick around. He was so proud that baby was hearing and seemingly enjoying the same music as him and we both sat there and just enjoyed.

I have no doubt that he will love this child like no other. He will be with me every step of the way and will always support me as we both learn to raise our children.

I could go on for another few hours about all the different little things I have learnt about Russell through our marriage, but I’m sure you’re all bored enough!

I will leave you here. I’ve brought you through a tiny little snapshot of our marriage and where we are up to now.

My next instalment will include what happened with the whole “other church” thing. It played a huge part earlier on in our marriage and it still plays a big role in our lives now. I’ve sort of done all this out of order, but hopefully you can still follow relatively easy!

You can read any of the updates I have made along the way on the pregnancy here.

One of the photo's I was talking about, and that dress!

This was taken just 5 days before we lost the baby