Tonight I am meeting up with a ‘friend’ to have a coffee. And I dont think we will look like the two chicks in that pic!
What is scary about this is that I am going to confront some issues that I believe we both have with each other, but we constantly act as though there is nothing wrong!
I was talking to our interim pastor about how I wish I could just be upfront and honest with her about things but fear losing the friendship with her. His response was “are you just worried about losing something you haven’t even got?” – This got me to thinking…I really don’t have anything with this chick, I want a friendship and am always trying so hard with her, but my efforts are often misread and feelings are always hurt (on both sides).
After chatting with my pastor the next day I sent her a message asking if we could catch up for a coffee. It took a few days for her to respond, but she agreed! We are catching up tonight and I am now starting to get really anxious about how it could all go.
I have my little spiel sorted out and am hoping that she will at least respond. Russell and I have confronted (confront is such a harsh word) her husband and herself once about our relationship and just said how we felt about certain things. The only response we got was “nothing is wrong – everything is fine” which is extremely frustrating when you know there is definitely something wrong! I am just hoping that tonight she will be able to be open and honest with me. If we get through the night I would like to think that we are able to build a friendship and that we will be able to move past whatever it is that is blocking us from being friends. It may end up as a case of too big of a personality clash and that we could never be friends – I would like to think that that wouldn’t be the case – I don’t even know if there is such a thing!
Just a little background: This is the chick who I feel I am never good enough for, that I am a sorry excuse for a wife for my amazing husband, that I am not thin/skinny enough, that I am lazy, that no matter what I do she will never accept me. It is a frustrating situation to be in. I don’t like it when I feel misunderstood and lousy. I think I am a good person (most of the time) and I don’t like it when people think otherwise.
I know that I have probably hurt her over the years, I just don’t know how, and I need her to tell me. I need her to be honest with me. If there is something I am doing that I can stop, then I want to hear about it. If I have made her feel in any way that she is not acceptable or respected by me, I need to hear it because I want to apologise. I know that in no way am I an innocent party and I just need her to be honest with me.
I need all of your prayers tonight. I need control over my tongue and for wisdom with my words. I need God’s intervention in the situation and we both need healing in order to move on.
22.10.07
Facing your fears
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11 comments:
I'll be praying for you champ. Best of luck and God bless.
While reading your blog I was wondering why this girl brings out so many insecurities in you. You mentioned being a wife, thin, lazy and not plain good enough.
You are a good person and a great friend. I can't comment on your being a good wife ;) but I'm sure you are.
Love you lots and will be praying for you.
I dont know what it is either! It's definately a girl thing. She can give me a look on her face or storm out of a room and I will fall to pieces! We women read between the lines too much!
I'm hoping we will be able to sort some stuff out tonight...but who knows!
Thanks petey!
yeah hope it all goes well!
sure hope she doesn't read this!!!
Hope it goes well Bek. Good on you for confronting your fears.
It sounds like she is very insecure and by making you feel worse about yourself she feels better. So, she has the problem not you-because you're perfect!!
I know you've shared before about how hard it is for you to find friends, but maybe this is something you need to do in order to grow.
God bless.
Upstream, they were my first thoughts too:D
I thought that too initially but then I don't think you've said anything 'bad', you haven't named her or gone into lots of detail and have just expressed a desire to develop a good relationship with her.
It's a brave thing to do and I think too often we shy away from things like this. It's hard but often worth it.
How did it go? I hope it went well :)
Is that what you said to Jarrod when he posted his "Voting for Jesus (today)" post upstream?
I dont think I said anything wrong in the post. I didnt name names and I would happily show her this post.
that's cool - if you're happy with it then all good - personally I wouldn't have thought it would have helped in resolving conflict were she to find herself written about before the event.
you still didnt answer my question ;)
to be honest I don't always read Jarrod's posts!
I just went and skimmed it then.
Umm... I dunno - its a bit different
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